The Langan Files
by LEArtemis
Summary: This will be a compilation of series of one-shots following The Assistant. There will be in no particular order and hold no particular story line. Follow along the life of Trevor and Noa Langan as well as their children and loved ones.
1. The Big Bang

**A/N:** Theo is is ten, Ollie is eight, and Max is five.

* * *

_**The Big Bang**_

"Mami," said Max in his pitchy voice.

"Maximus," I replied, looking into my rearview mirror to look at one of my beautiful, blue-eyed boys.

He smiled, "Ollie says that you love him more because he looks like Papa."

Theo snickered from besides her brother, "Don't listen to Ollie, Max. He's just upset because you beat him to it when Mami asked who was coming with her today."

I shook my head and smiled, "Do you _really_ think so, Theo?"

I stopped at the red, biting my lip waiting for my daughter's answer when I looked through the rearview. Theo nodded, "I know so. Plus, do you _really_ want to hang out with Papi, Aunt Lexie, Aunt Casey, Emily, and Joshua or do you prefer being here with Mami and I?"

Max smirked, the same smirk his father had been giving me for the past eight years of our marriage. He glanced at the rearview and his blue eyes locked on my brown ones. He moved his stare back to Theo's and he reached out an arm to his sister, "Thank you, Theo," he said. "You're the best big sister ever."

My heart swelled when I saw Theodora maneuver her seatbelt so that she could reach over to kiss Maximus' cheek, "And, you're the best little brother."

Max giggled, "You have two little brothers, silly!"

"Yea, but you're the best. Ollie's… okay," she said, waggling her hand back and forth, causing the boy to giggle.

As I saw the light turn green I eased on the gas pedal, feeling my SUV glide through the intersection when all of a sudden there was this loud crash and shattering sound coming from my side. The vehicle rolled and my kids screamed and cried on the back. I could feel my chest tightening and the rapid beat of my heart when I felt the car stop with an increasing loud beep and multiple horns. There was an agonizing pain to my forehead and left shoulder and leg.

"Theo. Max," I felt myself heave and whisper when the world went dark.

* * *

(Trevor's POV)

I laughed, "Not necessarily, Alex."

She scoffed. "Oh please, Trevor. You _know_ you're scared of your wife," she giggled. "I've seen it in your face."

"Papi, _are_ you scared of Mami?" asked Oliver.

I shook my head, "Don't listen to your aunt. I am not _scared _of your mother. I'm scared of that voice she uses when one of you kids is misbehaving."

Oliver opened his mouth and shook his head in approval, "Me too."

Casey snickered, "It's mind-boggling to say the least the way you two resemble each other. How is Noa not annoyed by that?"

I clapped in tandem with my laughter, "Oh, she is. Especially when Theo, Ollie, and I team up to annoy her."

"Yea," Ollie shouted from besides me. "It's the best thing ever!"

I felt my phone ringing in my pocket and I reached inside my shorts to grab it. It wasn't one of my contacts, but being in the business that I was, that wasn't necessarily suspicious. I furrowed my brow and answered, "Trevor Langan."

"_Uh, hello. Hi. My name is Patricia Sawyer; I am a resident at Mt. Sinai Hospital. Are you related to a 'Noa Langan'?_"

I felt my throat tighten, "Yes—Yes, she's my wife."

The resident sighed. "_Mr. Langan, we need you to come down here as soon as possible. We have your children here as well,_" my breath caught in my throat and she continued quickly. "_They were involved in a severe car accident._"

"O—Ok, thank—thank you," I must've gone pale as I ended the call with Dr. Sawyer since both Alex and Casey seemed ridiculously alarmed.

"Trevor, what's going on?"

I could hear the ringing in my ears and I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath to try and stabilize my erratic breathing. I placed my hands on the kitchen island, leaning my body forward. I swallowed hard, attempting to catch my breath. I couldn't alarm Oliver; I had to think of him now. I released a shaky breath, "Noa—Noa had a car accident. She—She's at Mt. Sinai. They're not giving me much information on their well-being."

Casey gasped, "Jesus!"

"I—I have to go, Lex," I stumbled to stand straight, and I faltered.

Alex reached forward, holding on to my arm, "You're not going anywhere in that state and definitely _not_ with Oliver in the car. I'll drive you and I'll stay with you while you figure out her plan of care, all right?"

I nodded and sighed, calling out for Oliver that had disappeared somewhere with Joshua.

From Alex's home to the hospital was a short drive, but in my current state of distress and not knowing what was going on with my wife and kids, it made it for a much longer one. I tried my best to explain to Oliver what had happened and immediately he had gone teary eyed. He was worried about his brother and sister, but he was especially concerned about his mother. I had assured him that she was a fighter, someone so strong it was astonishing, but eight year olds can see right through you. _Our_ eight year old could see right through me.

One of the traits Noa had passed to all of our children, the gift of knowing. I smiled softly as Alex maneuvered the steering wheel to turn at an intersection. My beautiful wife had done more than just pass down the gift of knowing, she had passed her looks to our daughter and youngest son, she had passed her sense of humor, her wittiness, her sass, her love, and her patience to all three as well.

She loved to say that these were '_my_' kids, but looking through my eyes, all three of our children were hers in more ways than one.

The predicament I'd been placed in had me running through my private memoir searching for good times, previous fights, nights where I'd been cold towards her, afternoons where she had ignored me, mornings that our stubbornness crippled our communication and I thought, _was it all really worth it? _

God forbid, but I could be on the verge of losing my wife and I didn't know if she knew how much she really meant to me. Had I shown her enough? Had I said it enough? Did she believe me when I said that I loved her, that she was the epicenter of my world, and that without her my life would be completely meaningless?

I doubled in my seat, hiding my embarrassment in my hands as I sobbed silently. I heard Alex whimper and seconds later felt a hand on my back, rubbing circles through the fabric of my polo.

Just thinking the thought of losing her made me sick to my stomach. She needed to be right. She couldn't leave me—couldn't leave our children either. They needed her more than she thought they did.

Whom was Theodora going to turn to when she needed advice when it came to boys? Whom was Oliver going to run to when his siblings teamed up against him? Whom was Maximus going to shout 'mamita' at the top of his lungs when she came through the door? Whom was I going to seek when I couldn't sleep? I swallowed a sob; it was futile because it broke through me, causing Alex to sniffle next to me.

My SUV came to a stop and I sniffled, sitting straight and wiping at my tears. We had parked in the hospital's attached garage and I was quick to undo my seatbelt, hopping out and going to the back to pick up Oliver. I needed him to be quick and his short stride could only allow for so much. I could hear Alex chanting for me to slow down, but I couldn't. Noa needed me right now. Theo and Max needed me too. I couldn't slow down, not now, not ever. Not when it involved the greatest love I'd come to experience in my lifetime.

I burst in through the emergency room doors and collapsed against the counter with a frightened Ollie in my arms, "Noa—Noa Langan, where is she? Where are my kids?"

The woman behind the counter had the warmest green eyes and she smiled, "Mr. Langan, why don't you have a seat in that room over there and I'll send Dr. Sawyer in so that you can go see your wife and kids, all right?"

I sighed and heard a panting Alex stop behind me. I nodded and offered a thin-lipped smile as I walked and opened the door to the room she had directed me to. I placed Ollie on the ground once inside, taking a seat in one of the many empty chairs of the consultation room. I rested my elbows on my knees and my face fell into my hands. Within seconds, Ollie's body was lodged between my legs, his little hands prying at mine.

"Papa," he whimpered.

I sniffled once more and lowered my hands, wrapping them around my son, and flushing his body against mine, "I'm right here, Oliver. I'm right here."

He rested his head against my shoulder, "Is Mami okay?"

I lowered my chin against the boy's neck, "I sure hope so, bud."

His body shook and his fingers tightened around my shirt. I shushed him, moving my hands to pick him up and sit him on my lap. Alex had remained silent in the room and she brought her hand to rest on Ollie's back, just as I swayed in an attempt to calm the boy.

A young woman entered the room and she smiled apologetically, "Mr. Langan?"

I nodded, sniffling. "Y—Yea," I cleared my throat. "How is she? Where are my children?"

"I'm Dr. Sawyer, we spoke on the phone. Your kids are okay, just a few cuts and scrapes. We took them for a CT scan to rule out any head trauma or injury. Theodora is complaining of chest pain and she does have a bruise on her chest and shoulder attributed to the seatbelt doing its job, and," she checked her notes briefly, smiling, "Maximus has a mild headache. We gave him a painkiller for that and as for Theodora, she'll need a muscle relaxer, but we need your consent."

"Yes, yes, whatever she needs. Just make her feel well," I said rapidly.

"As for your wife," she sighed, "she has a fractured ulna and she dislocated her left shoulder. Due to the impact, her left leg got caught in between the dash and the steering wheel when it collapsed, her fibula is fractured as well and just like her arm, her leg is in a cast too. She has a concussion, and we had to stitch her right brow up. She has cuts and scrapes, but where the concussion is, we're afraid she might suffer from short-term memory loss. Not something to be completely alarmed about, but she hasn't woken up for us to assess her."

I felt my lip tremble and I looked at Alex. "And, the driver?" she asked.

"Drunk driver ran a red light. She was doing sixty-five on a thirty and crashed into your wife's SUV, but she never eased on the gas pedal. She has mild injuries. The police are here to speak with her," Dr. Sawyer explained.

Alex nodded, "Where are my kids? Can I see my wife?"

The doctor nodded. "They're sitting in your wife's room. They refused to leave her, and Theodora gave quite the compelling argument. Enough to scare one of the fellows," she giggled jovially.

I chuckled. "Oh, Theo," I said breathily, standing.

Oliver had been listening and I could feel him relax against my body. Dr. Sawyer opened the door to guide us to where Noa was being kept in a recovery room in the orthopedic floor of the main hospital. Alex followed suit, providing silent comfort, and when we entered the room, Theo shot an intimidating glare towards the door that then softened when her glossy stare found mine.

"Papa," she said in a breathy sigh.

I was quick to place Oliver on the ground, receiving the impending body of my daughter against my own. "Theo," I replied just as eagerly, palming her shoulders and arms just to make sure she was truly in one piece. "What happened?"

She sniffled. "I—I don't know! One minute we're talking and laughing and the next…" her sob prevented her from speaking and I gathered her in my arms.

Dr. Sawyer was by the bedside computer, probably inputting the medication for Theo to have. Oliver had approached the bed, looking at his mother with a worrisome look. Max was settled next to his mother, pressed against her body with his head on her chest. His cheeks had dried tear paths and I smiled weakly.

She was their everything.

She was _my_ everything, too.

The unfathomable thought of possibly losing her had shaken me to an impossible length. She needed to be all right, she needed to wake up, she needed—

"Papa!" Max shouted from the bed, his tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Y—Yea, yea," I cleared my throat. "Sorry, buddy," I said in a whisper, approaching the bed to gather him in my arms.

I turned, glancing around the room where my wife was being cared for. Alex had Theo flushed against her front, her hands soothingly running down Theo's back. Dr. Sawyer stood near the bedside, patiently waiting for me, while Oliver stared at his mother, a deep frown on his face, "What now, Dr. Sawyer?"

"Try talking to her. Maybe your voice can bring her out of her slumber," she offered.

"Mami," Oliver tried before I could. "Mami, you have to wake up now," he reached for her good hand, placing it over his chest.

We watched and waited for some sign of something. Movement, a flinch, or a stir… something that could let us know that she was okay. Noa groaned, moving her head and hissing. "Be—Be careful," I spoke quickly, watching the flutter of her eyes.

"T—Theo," she croaked, "M—Max," she continued shifting until she opened her eyes. She winced, closing them quickly, but bracing herself when she opened them again. "Where—Where are my kids?" she heaved.

I chuckled; glad to finally see her beautiful face awake, "Mrs. Langan, your kids are safe and well. They're here with you. Do—Do you know where you are?"

She breathed out, "Obviously not a five-star hotel."

Alex snickered, chuckling through her sorrow. "No, unfortunately not," Dr. Sawyer smiled. "My name's Dr. Sawyer, you're at Mt. Sinai Hospital."

Noa nodded, "Where are my kids?"

Dr. Sawyer pressed a button on the bed railing to bring her upper body up on a slant. She gasped at the sight of her elevated leg, but when she went to move her head she winced, hissing and bringing her good hand to the back of her head. "Is it possible to turn off the lights? Why is everything so damned bright?" Dr. Sawyer nodded, moving to turn off the headlights and instead have on the overhead reading lights. "Jesus, much better," Noa glanced and squinted. "I take it my contacts were lost, too."

"Mrs. Langan, I have some questions for you. Are you up for it?"

"Not like I have a choice," she mumbled. She was irritable, a known side effect for concussions, yet I couldn't help but smirk.

"Okay, before we start, I'm going to need you to remember these three words: solitude, green, and agenda. Now, what's your name?"

She rolled her eyes, whimpering no doubt at the pain behind her eyes, "Noa Elisa Langan."

"Date of birth?"

"September 24th."

"Good! What are the names of your children?"

"Theodora Juliette, Oliver Elijah, and Maximus Noel."

"What's the current month?"

"April."

"And, those three words I gave you at the beginning?"

"Solitude. Green. Agenda."

"Very good, Mrs. Langan. Very good," the woman turned, typing on the computer. "I understand you wear glasses?"

"Cannot see far without them," she responded. "Where's my husband? Has anyone called him?"

"Baby," I husked, watching her turn her head briskly and noticing the proximity of Oliver to her bed.

"Ollie," she sighed, reaching for him. He climbed the bed, careful not to disturb her injuries. "Trev, you know I can't see you if you're not close enough. Where are Theo and Max?"

"They're here, baby. Theo's at the foot of the bed with Alex, and I have Max."

"Can you find my glasses, please?" I looked around the room and noticed Theodora rummaging through some plastic bags of belongings. She approached the bed and Noa smiled, running her thumb across her daughter's cheek. Theo assisted her in placing the glasses on, "Finally."

"How are you feeling, besides irritable and sassy?" I quipped with a smirk.

She smirked, "My head hurts, my right ear has this… _ring_ to it, and I can tell why I'm here, but I don't seem to recall what happened."

"That's all normal, Mrs. Langan," Dr. Sawyer replied, going into detail of her injuries and that of her children.

Maximus managed to fall asleep in my grasp and as the afternoon turned into the evening, Alex took the kids with her to keep them at her home whilst I stayed behind with my wife. Dr. Sawyer had asked of Alex to monitor Max's headache and if any nausea or vomiting occurred, or any excessive lethargy happened to bring him by as soon as she could for further assessing. Noa had been in and out of sleep, her fatigue getting the best of her, and every time she woke, I was there to assure her that our children were all right and remind her of her injuries.

Her headache and dizziness had continued throughout, but her ringing ears had ceased. Even though her irritability became prominent, no doubt frustrated for not being able to remember what had happened, I was able to handle it.

She was my wife. I knew her.

Her stirring and groaning made my head snap in her direction. I'd been lost in my phone, answering calls and texts of friends and family that had caught wind of Noa's condition, and keeping Sara in the loop of her sister's condition.

"Trev—Trevor," she croaked, slowly opening her eyes.

"I'm here, baby," I replied, standing and pocketing my phone.

She yawned, shutting her eyes close. "Fuck, that hurts," she admitted. "Where are the kids?"

"Lex took them for the night, they're in good hands," she nodded, running her hand through her hair. I turned on my waist and reached for her glasses on the rolling bedside tray, "Here, how are you feeling?"

"I'm okay. It hurts, but I gave birth _without_ epidural all three times, I'm sure I can handle a little headache and some shoulder pain," she giggled, looking up at me. "How are you, huh? I'm sorry I've been such a pain in the ass."

I chuckled, leaning against the bedrail. "The day you _stop_ being a pain in my ass is the day I'll fear for my marriage," she chortled. "You scared me."

She bit her lip and blinked slowly, "I didn't mean to, papi. I'm sorry. The kids must've been so scared…"

"They're stronger than you think, Noa. God, you should've seen the glare Theodora gave the doctor when she walked in."

"Oh, let all the boys beware of that glare. She's going to turn them into putty when her time comes," she playfully said. "But seriously, how are they?"

I shook my head, "Just some scrapes and bruises, they'll heal. They've done more damage playing outside or at games. They're fine, I promise."

She nodded. "Thank you for staying with me," she reached across her stomach to grab at my left hand, her fingers automatically playing with my wedding ring.

I smiled down at her and squeezed her fingers, "Where else would I be?"

"I don't know," she spoke lowly, mirth hiding behind every word. "Maybe with your mistress. I heard she's an easy going woman."

I snickered loudly, shaking my head, "Yea, I get bored of her pretty quickly. She's too... _vanilla_ for me."

Noa laughed, "Oh, maybe we could meet up and I can give her some pointers on how to keep you happily satisfied for the next couple of months of me being an invalid."

"You know, the whole point of having a mistress, Noa is that the wife _doesn't_ get to speak to her."

It was her turn to snicker and shake her head, "Whom are we kidding? None of us would dream of being with somebody else."

"Meh," I joked, shrugging my shoulders. She slapped my hand and I winced, hinting at the burning sensation that radiated through my skin, "I'm kidding! Jesus, woman, half of my heart belongs to you completely."

She smiled the smile that she only reserved for me.

I had tried, time and time again to find it in someone else, but it seemed as if she had a smile reserved just for the kids, one for me, and one for the rest of the world. I brought her fingers to my mouth, placing a kiss to each of her knuckles. She opened her hand, cupping my cheek, and stroking her thumb against my stubbly cheek. The only reason I kept it stubbly nowadays was because she would look at me with an extra glint in her eyes whenever I would get ready in the mornings with her, she would press her cunt on my face harder when I'd be in between her legs, and she would stroke my face with better purpose when I lain in her arms.

So I kept it, out of sheer selfishness, but for her.

We stared at each other and reveled in our silence. It had always been able to be like this. I didn't need to speak to offer her my love and neither did she for me to bask in hers. The less words the better, but the impulse of those words weighed heavy on my tongue and I spoke them, watching her smile, and look at my lips. I leaned forward, placing my lips on hers and slowly starting a careful fall. Her hand cradled my neck and urged me to take the fall further, coaxing her sweetly out of her funk. I rested my forehead against hers, breathing softly through my nose. She moved her head, kissing my cheek, and resting her forehead against mine again.

"I love you, Trevor Langan," she admitted.

"And, I'll always love you more, Noa Langan."

I felt her smile in my soul and I knew then that whatever happened from here on forward, nothing would be as important as letting her know how much I loved her, how much she meant to me, and all that I would do for her and our children.


	2. A Langan Christmas

**A/N:** Theo is seven. Ollie is five. Max is two.

* * *

_**A Langan Christmas**_

"You know, Theo _really_ outdid her self with these cookies," Trevor complimented as he studied the half-eaten cookie in his hand. "I think she inherited Mama's cooking bug," he finished, leaning forward to press his lips on my temple.

I chuckled, taking a bite out of my own cookie. I leaned on his chest, humming contently, and admiring our handy work. We had woken up at five forty-five in the morning to do our dutiful job as Saint Nick. All the gifts had been kept in my SUV, wrapped, and stuffed in my trunk for safekeeping. My children were still young enough that the magic of Christmas hadn't been shattered yet. We hadn't gone overboard this year as we had had on previous years. This year, I wanted the kids to know that Christmas wasn't just about how many gifts you received, but about what it meant to be with your family and share the joy of this time together. We had bought them simple gifts, but gifts we knew they would play with the most and in the end we would get our money's worth.

The rest of the family was free to do as they pleased when it came to gifting them something.

We couldn't bestow our rules upon them, no matter how much I scolded my mother and sister when it came to spoiling my children with unnecessary things. This year, our Christmas had been all about giving and recognizing that just because we were lucky enough to have what we did, didn't mean that for others it was the same. My children were growing up in what most would consider an upper-middle class home and some would consider us as toeing the upper class because of the type of money Trevor and I pulled together. Trevor had grown up in the same range whilst I considered my upbringing as less.

Just because Mommy and Daddy could afford certain commodities, didn't mean that I wanted my children to grow up the same as the people they spent most of their time with. It was important to the both of us to teach them values, the societal differences, and to not look down on those that didn't have the same upbringing they'd had. It was why we had spent most of our weekends since the Yuletide commenced volunteering at different shelters, keeping company to the elderly, serving breakfast to the homeless, and we'd even donated toys and clothing items to those in need. Theodora, being our oldest, had surprised us both when she'd begun donating clothing items I for sure _knew_ she hadn't worn.

"_Why can't I give them new clothes? I've already worn this stuff, Mami, and I like how it looks on me,"_ she'd said, springing tears into my eyes.

That's all I wanted for my children, for them to be empathetic, and to fight for what they believed was right.

The snow rapped furiously against our outside door, whilst Billings lain in front of the it, watching the speckles of snow dance through the air and fall. As I munched on the cookies my daughter had made for the man in red, I reminisced on Trevor's and I first Christmas. Everything was much simpler back then, _we_ were much simpler back then. It was only Trevor, Billings, and I… and the memory of Theodora gently forming in my womb.

"What's got you thinking, huh?" he asked, nuzzling his nose through my hair.

I turned my head, looking up at him. "Thinking of our first Christmas together," I responded, taking a bite out of my cookie.

He scoffed, smiling, "That was a _really_ good Christmas."

"Yes, it was."

"You were most likely five or six weeks pregnant with Theo, then," he smiled beautifully, dancing his eyes across my face.

The twinkling lights illuminated his face beautifully and I couldn't help but get lost in his eyes. I took another bite of my cookie, having forgotten to continue the conversation I was having with my husband. I smiled up at him, watching his mouth slowly contort into a beautiful smirk. His eyes crinkled at the corners and he slowly let out a soft chuckle, biting his lip seductively. I mirrored his innocent, demure gesture, and I heard him scoff playfully.

His effortless beauty mesmerized me. The way every twinkling light caught his eyes and bounced off of his smooth skin, took my breath away. And, the way warmth radiated through his body even though the temperature outside could mimic our tempers when one of us was being stubborn over something very minute and insignificant, had me awestruck.

I straightened my shoulders and leaned forward to place a lingering kiss on his lips, tasting the different flavor of cookie he had chosen. He hummed, giving me a chaste kiss to placate me, "Merry Christmas, baby."

I smiled, "Merry Christmas to you too, papi. Thank you, for everything."

He sighed, "You don't have to thank me for loving you, Noa. I'd do that, free of charge, for the rest of my life."

I snickered, "You kind of _don't _have a choice there, baby. You're not getting rid of me that easily."

He leaned forward, hovering over my lips. "I wouldn't dream of it," he admitted, placing a kiss on my lips. "Besides, it's my job to be a major prick to every man that _thinks_ he has a chance with you."

"And, teaching our sons in the way too. Butthole," I finished shaking my head.

"You're _mine_," he said, circling his arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him. "_I_ know that. _You_ know that. _Our children_ know that… let the world know it, too."

I bit my lip, looking up at him, enthralled by his words. When he'd said he was jealous with reason, _this_ is what he meant. He didn't mind the challenge nor the lingering looks some men would have over me, yet like the territorial creature he was, he would let it be know that I was a happily married and taken woman. My husband loved me beyond measure and he would shout it from every rooftop of the tri-state area if he were allowed to. I polished off my cookie, hearing Billings whimper, and raise her head, glancing in the general direction of the staircase when I heard the sleepy voice of my daughter.

"Mami?"

I opened my eyes and smiled at Trevor, bouncing in excitement. He snorted and shook his head, the winter and fall holidays were my favorite of the entire year, and I would exude a different kind of excitement when in the Yuletide season. Trevor stretched his hand for the glass of milk the kids had left for Santa and took several gulps, wiping the milk mustache on his t-shirt sleeve. I giggled softly, utilizing my thumbs to wipe away any remaining crumbs or milk from his mouth. He placed the glass down on our coffee table with a careful thud when Theo called out for me again.

"Mami, are you down there?"

Billings stood from her spot near the door and jogged towards what I thought was the stairs, "Yes, mama, I'm down here with Papa. Where are your brothers?"

Theo yawned. "Max is getting Ollie. Can we come down, please?" she asked sweetly, elongating the syllable.

"_Please_ hold Max's hand… and no running down the stairs, Juju."

I heard her squeal and the quick patter of her feet across the floor. Trevor used his lower limbs to push the coffee table against the other side of our L-shaped couch, careful not to spill the remainder of the milk in the glass. In a matter of seconds, Billings came bolting through the now open area of our living room with Ollie, Max, and Theo in tow. My children stood in awe in front of the tree; their mouths hung open, and their eyes twinkling with the lights. I could feel the excitement coursing through their little bodies when Theo let go of Max's hand to kneel in front of the object of her admiration.

"It's so pretty," she mused softly, turning on her waist to finally glance at us. "Is it really for us, Mami?"

I smiled and leaned into Trevor. "It really is for all of us," Trevor responded, hugging me tightly against him. "But, first thing's first, we don't get hugs or anything?"

Theo smiled her beautiful missing teeth smile and stood, stumbling and tripping on her feet when her brothers' followed suit. I received the impeding bodies of my sons, feeling the warmth of their just woken bodies radiate through my front. We had donned matching Christmas pajamas, whether it was tops or bottoms, we were wearing the same thing. The boys and Theo exchanged spots, Theodora immediately sitting on my lap. I held her close to me, nuzzling my nose against the crown of her head, inhaling softly the familiar vanilla scent that came from her hair. I kissed her temple and rocked my body slowly, gently swaying us.

"Merry Christmas, boys," Trevor said, pressing a kiss to each of the boys' heads. "Merry Christmas, Theo."

Theo sighed, "Merry Christmas, Mami and Papa. Merry Christmas, Ollie and Max. I love you!"

"I love you, too," responded Ollie, smiling.

Max, a man of few words, but big actions, threw her a kiss, giggling when Theo did the same. "So, how about we have breakfast? Mama bought berries so that I can make French toast."

Oliver gasped, looking up at Trevor, "With lots of sugar on top, Papa?"

"With lots of sugar on top… but only because it's Christmas," he smiled at his son.

"Yay!" Max shouted, clapping his chubby hands together.

I snickered, feeling Theo squirm on my lap to get up. I followed suit, glancing outside to watch the sky mark the beginning of twilight before sunrise. Trevor and I had been awake roughly an hour ago, organizing this for our children, and as I saw my husband and children shuffle to the kitchen in the rambunctious manner only they could muster, I smiled, sending a silent prayer of thanks above for allowing me this day with my family.

As Trevor busied himself—and our children—in the kitchen, I slipped on my snow boots and outerwear to play for a little while outside with Billings. The flakes had stopped falling, neatly creating a beautiful blanket of snow in our backyard deck. I tossed Billings a Frisbee, urging her on, and spurring her excitement when I heard a knock on the door. Trevor had most likely sent Oliver to come fetch me. I stomped my feet on the brick area of the yard and opened the door, wiping Billings down with the towel Ollie had brought over for her. I walked to the kitchen, rubbing my hands together to serve Billings her food.

Trevor had created his infamous berry French toast, covered with confectioners' sugar and a side of vanilla yogurt. I hummed, kissing his lips as a form of thank you when I begun digging in. We, as a family, had a habit of eating on the kitchen island for breakfast during the weekends and on special occasions. It was the only time where one of us wasn't rushing to get out the door. Otherwise, every other meal was had on the table. This morning felt incredibly special. It was Christmas, my house felt warm, my children were smiling and squealing, stuffing their mouths with berries and bread, and I was with my husband, sharing the love we had, with each other and our children.

I leaned my head against Trevor's arm, feeling his lips on my hair, and I sighed. Christmas with the Langan's had become an event of sorts. If it wasn't being celebrated in the city, it was being celebrated in the suburbs of Framingham. Either way, I loved being surrounded by all the rowdiness, all the cheerfulness, and giddiness that fell on each and every one of us during this time. Ever since my first Christmas with Trevor, I knew that the feeling I had felt then was not one I would be able to find unless with him.

We finished our breakfast quickly and as Trevor helped the kids wash up any messes they had possibly made on their faces and hands, I washed the dishes, and cleaned up in the kitchen. Once we were done we gathered in front of the Christmas tree one more time. I had sat with Max on my lap, and Trevor had Oliver in his whilst Theo sat between us.

"Now," Trevor begun, "what are you hoping for, Theo?"

The girl sighed, biting her lip as she eyed the presents underneath the Christmas tree. "I am hoping…" she paused for effect, smiling, "I am hoping for something _fun_."

I smiled, looking at Trevor over her head. "What about you, booger?" he asked Oliver, tickling his tummy.

"I'm hoping for… dinosaurs!" he shouted, throwing his hands in the air, giggling.

I kissed Max's curls, snuggling him into me. He smiled around the spout his zippy cup filled with my breast milk. "What about you, papito? What are you hoping for?" I said softly.

He looked up at me, curling his fingers into a paw, "Mosters! Rawr!"

"Rawr!" I cooed back, pushing my nose to his, throwing my son into a fit of laughter.

Trevor chuckled, shaking his head. "All right, so Mommy and I spoke to Santa, and he let us know that the purple ones are Theo's," he smiled, nudging the girl. "Ollie, yours are the green ones, and Max, yours are the silver ones."

I watched as Theo's eyes lit up when she looked at the metallic paper that held her siblings' and her presents. We had done so purposefully so that the colorful dancing lights of our Christmas tree would catch the mirrored effect of the wrapping paper. The ones that were from us to the kids and for each other, were wrapped in festive Christmas paper, decorated with cute reindeers and fluffy Santas.

"What about the other ones, Papa?" Ollie asked.

"The other ones are for either Mommy or I, and some of them are for you guys from the both of us."

"Okay, Theo," I begun, "it's your turn to pick out who gets to open the first gift."

She nodded, crawling forward to sit on her haunches in front of the TV. She eyed every present and finally grabbed one, "This is for you, Papa."

She handed the gift to Trevor as Oliver moved to sit on the floor. Trevor smiled. "Thank you," he said. He turned the package around, looking for the label and once he found it he smiled, "This is from... Mommy. Thank you, baby."

"You're welcome," I winked at him.

We all waited as he ripped through the paper and once he saw what it was, his eyes opened and lit up. "No!" he exclaimed. "No!" he repeated. He opened the box, sliding the bottle of custom bourbon maple syrup out, "Baby, where did you get this?"

I rolled my eyes playfully, "I can't reveal my sources, but _know_ it wasn't easy."

He smiled and shook his head, scooting closer to me to place his lips on mine, "Thank you. I love you."

"I love you, too," I finished, placing another kiss to his lips. "All right, babies, dig in!"

As soon as the words left my mouth, Theodora and Oliver jumped into the pile, passing gifts and ripping the paper. Max followed suit and with the help of his siblings, he tore open his gifts too. The sounds of jovial squeals from Theodora, grunts of appreciation from Oliver, and the look of appreciation from Maximus' face were all the Christmas' gifts I needed and wanted from my kids. Trevor wrapped me in his arms once he noticed the Luxture Aarde Series in black and orange watch. He'd wanted that watch since his birthday and I decided to wait for the Christmas bonus to get it for him.

Theodora shouted and thanked Santa wherever he was once she uncovered her unicorn baking set, the illuminated doodle pillowcase, the do-it-yourself bubblegum kit, and her Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls book. She'd become quite the avid little chef and I was proud and more than willing to teach her and guide her through the kitchen.

Oliver gave little grunts of excitement once he unwrapped his build-your-own robot kit, his acoustic mini guitar, his road map duvet and pillowcase, and his Great Big Book of Dinosaurs; like a typical boy he loved his cars, loved his robots, and loved his dinosaurs. He had disappeared to his room to grab a few of his toy cars and had almost convinced us in opening the duvet set just so that he could run his cars through it.

Maximus' little face sported so much joy once he saw his tabletop drum set, mix and make monster puzzle, walking monster kit, and personalized My Very Own Trucks book. Like the little monster he was, he loved his monsters and we had played into his likes.

From Trevor I'd received a smart watch with interchangeable bangles for daily wear and a stone diffuser with essential oils that matched our bathroom colors. He knew I enjoyed my occasional bath and when I did, I would light candles, play soft music, have a glass of wine, and I would lock the door to avoid any interruptions. We had gifted the kids some clothing items and pajamas that they could get to wear for the remaining of the winter and spring.

We weren't set to meet with the family until a little after noon and at the moment, the kids were busy playing and building their kits, all helping each other, and giggling to themselves.

Trevor and I remained sat on the floor with our backs resting against our couch, looking out to our children in the middle of our living room. I leaned my head against his chest, humming contently, "Happy?"

I tilted my head up, placing a kiss to his under jaw, "Beyond, you?"

"Ecstatic," he admitted. "Who's going to clean up this mess, though?" he said with a chuckle, running his hand down my arm.

"They are," I snickered, pushing myself off of his chest. "I'm tired of cleaning up behind them, they can clean behind us for once."

Trevor snorted, leaning forward to meld our lips together. I had another Christmas gift for him, but that one would have to be unwrapped behind closed doors. I felt the bodies of my children collapse on top of us; they were squealing and giggling, peppering kisses all over our faces, sending us all into laughter.

"Merry Christmas, Mami and Papi," Theo shouted, wrapping her arms around Trevor's neck.

Merry Christmas indeed…


	3. Boundaries

_**Boundaries**_

Trevor had proposed. I had—blindly—accepted. Now, it was time to plan the wedding whilst all the while, plan for Christmas, and continue the search for our new home. Everything was happening so fast, but we were _still_ playing catch up. Theo was still getting acclimated to having two parents instead of one, and she was learning and navigating the boundaries between Trevor, her, and I. She was a smart kid for her incredible young age, and much like her father, she knew how to manipulate things to her advantage when she wanted and needed to.

We had a month and some change before I was set to start looking for a job back in the PR world, and in all honesty, I had people whom I could reach out and ask for help, but I didn't want this to be that way. I wanted to earn this position in whatever firm I chose to apply to. I wanted my achievements and knowledge to speak for itself, and if in the long run, my references would put a good word in for me then amazing, otherwise, I wanted to try and do this on my own.

As soon as the word 'yes' had left my lips, Gigi had sprung into action and had started planning Trevor's and I wedding. After giving me nothing but radio silence, or when she did speak to me it was in the form of a snarky remark about my time away or questioning whether or not I had come back to Trevor just to 'milk him for his money', she was now wanting to sit down and chat; discuss wedding flowers and decorations, catering, venues, and bridesmaids dresses.

I'd ignored her, but she was persistent _and_ insistent about certain details of the wedding to the point where I felt that she had been recycling ideas from Trevor's previous engagement, and now, I had retreated and dejected myself from any and everything wedding. I needed to get the ball rolling with certain things, especially if I wanted them by the date Trevor and I had agreed on being wedded.

Trevor was content, beyond ecstatic and hadn't noticed my demeanor, or at least, I thought he hadn't noticed…

"Noa!" he shouted from his office.

I rolled my eyes and smiled, "Your daddy is something else, Theo."

The girl squealed and went on to babbling until I caught the only intelligible words she said, "Papa, Mami."

"Yes, baby," I giggled, "Papa is crazy," I said, twirling the spoon for her to take.

"Don't ignore me, woman! I know you can hear me, Billings just came in here."

I snickered, "Yes?"

"Come here, please."

"Baby, I'm feeding your vacuum spawn!"

"Bring her down, I want to do it," he replied.

I growled and rolled my eyes, "Lo voy a matar, Theodora. Dead."

"Dead!" She shouted and I couldn't help but giggle.

I stood and picked up Theo from her high chair, sitting her on my hip as I reached the table to grab the plate and spoon as well as her sippy cup. Theo played with my leaf pendant as I jogged down the stairs. I entered the office and saw him perched on his chair, Billings sitting between his legs as he mumbled something to her. I scoffed and shook my head, grabbing his attention.

"Is she eating _all_ the leftovers?" Trevor asked with a pout.

I nodded, "You both have the same appetite. I don't know why you're so impressed."

"She's sixteen months old, Noa. Of course I'm impressed," he replied, opening his arms for her.

"Theo," she looked at me with a toothy grin. "Where's Papa?"

Theo squealed and became rowdy, glancing around the room. Trevor had the biggest grin on his face at the excitement his daughter exuded at the mention of his name. Once they locked eyes, Trevor stood, approaching us. He gave me two quick kisses and grabbed Theodora from me. He kissed her forehead, mumbling his love against her skin.

"Let's talk," he said as he sat, and I wasn't sure if he meant Theo and him or the both of us.

He cleared an area atop his desk for Theo's plate and me and patted the surface gently. I walked towards them, lifting my leg and climbing his desk effortlessly. I placed the plate next to me and watched as Trevor accommodated Theo on his lap in order to hold her in place and feed her at the same time. I watched as he got a couple of bites in, smiling at the tenacity of my blue-eyed lover.

"Do you want to marry me, Noa?" he asked somberly.

His eyes were on the plate of food next to me, an arm wrapped protectively around Theo and the other one gripping her spoon. "Look at me, Trevor," I barked quickly, leaning forward at the words that had come out of his mouth. He was struggling to look at me. "Trevor Elijah Langan III, look at me," I growled. His eyes moved up to meet mine, "Do _you_ want to marry me? What the hell brought this on?"

"Of course I want to marry you, Noa. Christ! I've been waiting to ask you since the day you were taken away."

I nodded and smiled wearily, "Then, why would you ask me something like that? I'm yours, Trev. Even if a piece of paper doesn't say so."

"You haven't been… _enthusiastic_ about the planning. What's going on? And, don't lie to me."

I sighed heavily, "Purple and cream? Weren't that _her_ wedding colors?" He parted his mouth mirthfully and I couldn't help but burst out in laughter, "I'm sorry, I just can't help but think that she's been saving up on ideas since you and Miranda. I don't want her calling the shots for our wedding, Trevor. It should be you and I making all the planning and her opinion and advice will be sought out when needed."

Trevor sighed, feeding another bite to our daughter, "Why didn't you say anything sooner, huh?"

"That's your mother, Langan—"

"This is _your_ wedding, Noa. If she doesn't like it, she can stay home," he interrupted quickly.

I smirked, dancing my eyes across his face. It was pretty obvious then that Trevor would do anything to keep me happy, but so would I. It had been the same reason why I hadn't said anything in the first place. I was trying to keep the boat steady between the two, not rock it and make more of a mess than I had already done whilst I was gone.

He was still short and distant with both his mother and sister, and between the biting remarks, the clipped answers, and the sudden growl in his voice when he felt he wasn't being heard, I wasn't trying to add fuel to that fire by blatantly stating that I wanted nothing to do with Gigi's involvement when it came to our wedding.

Though, if Trevor's answer had been an indication of something it was that if his mother and/or sister couldn't agree with the decisions we made for our wedding, they could easily be _out_ of the wedding proceedings and he wouldn't bat an eye at their absence. I needed to be the voice of reason and get through his stubbornness; the last thing I wanted was to be resented for lying dormant when it came to the relationship between mother and son.

"You hate the colors too?"

He hid his face and cooed at Theo, "You're paranoid, Noa."

I laughed heartily, shaking my head, "God, I love you."

"I love you more," he winked at me.

"Wuv!" Theo shouted, raising her little hands in the air. "Wuv Papa! Wuv Mami! Wuv Bis!"

I snickered, shaking my head. "I love you too, little missy," I replied, leaning forward and handing her the sippy cup. "I would like to plan this wedding _with_ you, Trevor."

"Then, let's do it," he said with conviction. "I know we're on a crunch here because we want to wed in the summer and we need to find a venue for the reception, ASAP."

I nodded. "I have an idea," I conceded, watching as Trevor's blue gaze sparkled with curiosity. "What if we got married at the Queens Botanical Garden?"

Trevor smiled, "That's where my parents got married, baby."

I nodded and scratched my head, "I know, I know. I love it there though, and we can take some beautiful wedding pictures with the bridal party, and we could even have some of us playing with our soon-to-be two-year old."

Trevor leaned back and smiled, feeding another spoonful of food to Theo, "Perfect, that's settled. And, the reception?"

I smiled and bit my lip, "The Dominick."

Trevor chuckled. "Why do I ever underestimate you?" I shrugged and smirked. The night of the ALIA, Trevor expressed his love for The Dominick and in particular, his love for the SoHi room where the event was held. It was a beautiful space and it fit 150 guests, which was our targeted number for guests, "I'll call them as soon as we put Theo down for a nap."

I nodded and smiled, "What about the colors, Trev?"

He furrowed his brow and eyed Theo's onesie. It was white with coral, pastel yellow, and pastel blue flowers and dots. Theo had leaned back on his shoulder and turned her head to lock eyes with her father, snuggling close to him as he reveled at the sight of my carbon copy on his chest. He brought his lips down to Theo's head, kissing it gingerly and he chuckled, looking at me.

"Theo's onesie," he replied.

I looked at her attire and smiled. Those were the perfect colors for a summer wedding, "You sir, are a genius."

He blew me a kiss, "Now, to tell my mother."

* * *

x x x

"So, what are you saying, Trevor? That she doesn't want my help in planning _your_ wedding?" I could hear Gigi from the stairs.

Trevor had invited her over whilst I placed Theo down for a nap. Once I had settled with the girl downstairs, Trevor snuck outside with Billings and made arrangements with The Dominick. He hadn't thought twice when they had asked for a deposit in order to save the room since it was the summer, and one of the busiest months they had. He had updated me once I came outside looking for both Billings and him. I was excited and finally felt _in control_.

"Your advice will be sought out when needed, Mother. I don't understand why this has to be _so_ difficult," he grumbled.

"It's difficult because _she's_ making it difficult," I heard her sigh. "You're the last of my children that marries, I would like to be involved in the wedding process."

"Mom, it's _her_ wedding. Don't you think she deserves a chance to choose her own wedding colors, her own venue? You just went into full wedding planner mode."

They were silent for a second, or maybe it was a minute? Either way, there was a prolonged pause between them before Gigi spoke once more, "Was this her idea? She's prying you away from your family, Trevor, and you're letting her walk all over you."

I scoffed and shook my head, taking the remaining steps rather quickly. "I'm not walking all over him, Gigi," she turned to look at me. "Trevor is a grown ass man who's capable of making his own decisions. What is this _really_ about?"

She sized me up, her eyebrows high on her forehead as I came to stand next to Trevor, "I'm his mother, Noa. I know when he's whipped."

I snickered, looking up at Trevor, "That's grand."

"Yes, it is!" She quickly replied, "First you leave with his child, manage to convince my husband somehow that the situation wasn't what it was, and then you _waltz_ back into our lives like nothing ever happened."

I shook my head, "I left because my life and that of my daughter's was in danger, but how could you understand that if you won't even let me explain the situation to you?" I grunted in frustration. "Listen, Gigi, this is the deal. I am clearly here to stay. I'm not going anywhere just because… _the_ _grand_ _dame_ of the family feels however she may be feeling towards me. _You_ are the one that has a problem with me, not the other way around."

Gigi had opened her mouth to say something when Trevor interrupted her, "All right, enough! Here's the deal, Mother, and this is the _one_ and _only_ offer. You don't have to agree with what Noa and I do with our wedding, just like you didn't agree to the name we had chosen for our daughter. We are _still_ going to do what we think plausible whether you like it or not. I will not tolerate anymore of this," he motioned between Gigi and I. "If you want to be in _my _life, if you want to be in your granddaughter's life, in the life of any other children Noa and I bear together you _will_ respect my wife to be, you _will_ respect our decisions as parents or this is the end of the road for you and I."

"Trevor—" I begun, he knew I didn't want that.

"No, Noa. I know this isn't what you want, but it's the only way," he quickly defended.

Gigi looked between Trevor and I, a somber look in her eyes.

Trevor finally had managed to get through that thick skull of hers that she _may_ be his mother, and she _may_ know what's best for her children, but there comes a point in life where you just have to let your children be free. It's not like Trevor was a mama's boy; on the contrary, I would categorize him more as a daddy's boy. And, though there was nothing wrong with that, Trevor was significantly independent compared to other men that allowed their mother run their life.

All three of the Langan children were ultimately very independent, but they still sought their parent's advice and comfort when it came to certain things. It was beautiful to witness to say the least and I could only hope that Theo and all my other future children held that same regard towards Trevor and I. But, Gigi needed to understand that just because other people in her children's life made decisions with them without the need to seek her counsel did not mean that her opinion wouldn't be needed in something else.

My mother had offered her help when it came to choosing flowers in season, the meaning behind them, and what they symbolized when it came to a couple on their wedding day. She had been an avid plant person and had been working at a greenhouse for nearly over half of my life. My mother knew her flowers, it's the entire reason I knew so much about them, it'd been the only way I could connect with her when I was young. If I could find some common ground—just like I had with my mother—maybe this could... smoothen out.

She sighed. "I understand. I want to be part of your life, Trevor, and part of Theodora's as well. I guess that with Miranda it was different. She relied on me so much, and now…" she stopped, smiling towards my direction. "Now you have this incredible, headstrong woman, and it makes me feel like you don't need me anymore."

Trevor sighed, approaching his mother, and wrapping her in her arms, "That's not true, Mom. I'll always need you, you're my mother."

Gigi's eyes watered and she sniffled, patting at Trevor's back slightly. She cleared her throat and spoke. "All right, I get it. Understood," she finished breaking the embrace. "Noa, I'll be at your assistance for whatever you may need."

I smiled and nodded, "Thank you, Gigi. And, you don't have to completely be out of the wedding planning. Just… Trevor and I want to handle the entirety of the planning. My mother and I will be going over what flowers to choose, and you and I can go over the menu for the reception. With your vast knowledge in catering, you can guide us in the right direction."

Trevor looped his arm around my waist, pulling me close to his body as Gigi smiled. She nodded, "I'll be happy to! Thank you, Noa."

I shook my head and settled into Trevor's side, "No need to thank me, Gigi."

Just then Theo cooed, her soft mumbling coming through clear through the baby monitor on my hip. She mumbled a faint 'Bis' and we all chuckled. "I'll get her," Trevor said, moving his arm.

"No, no, I'll get her," Gigi said. "Do you think she'll be excited to see her gigi?"

I looked up at Trevor, smiling. "Only one way to find out," I replied, watching as the woman disappeared down the stairs. Trevor kissed my forehead, "That went… well," I snorted.

"Thank God for wearing jeans, otherwise, having a hard on in front of your mother—not the highlight of my life," he admitted huskily in my ear.

"Yelling is your thing, huh?" I replied, turning on my foot to fully hug the tall man. He nodded, biting his lip. I hummed and smirked, "Maybe we can get in a fight tonight. I'll yell at you and cut you off, then you can pull my hair, and grab my neck all while fucking me against _that_ brick wall."

He parted his mouth, grinning at my words. "Oh," he chuckled. "It is so on."

* * *

x x x

**A/N: **I'll be adding x's to separate a change in scene or a major break in the timeline since the horizontal only seems to be working for website users, not app users. This was a deleted chapter from the main story, but I didn't want to completely trash it since it gives you a little insight in Noa and Gigi's relationship. Also, it explains the colors of the wedding and not something I completely pulled out of thin air.


	4. Rekindle

Theo has just turned three and Oliver is a couple of months old.

* * *

_**Rekindle**_

I'd been gone for two weeks, working on a project in Florida.

My first month back since Oliver's birth and I'd been away from my sweet baby boy and his adorable sister for far too long. Let's not mention that it would be a testament to Trevor's and I relationship. He hadn't have the opportunity to be there with Theodora as a newborn, and though he had been most marvelous in the first four months of my maternity leave, we'd been together. He had never been alone with both kids for more than just a couple of hours. I didn't doubt for a second that he could do it, it was Trevor, but it would definitely put to test his patience and willpower.

Theo was entering that stage where she was questioning everything, undermining you as an authority figure, and being _ridiculously_ terrible. Everyone spoke about the terrible two's yet as soon as she'd turned three all hell rose. I don't know if she got it from Trevor or from me, our mother's didn't seem to agree in any way, but by God's grace, something was up with that kid.

I smiled, glancing out my window as I waited for the light to change. I had missed them, I'd missed them all so much, and I couldn't wait to be in Trevor's arms with my two little beans. It was late though, so I had to prepare myself for them to be asleep—for all of three of them to be asleep.

I eased on the gas pedal when the light turned green, turning to be on the final street before stopping in front of the gates of the community and watching as they slowly opened. I turned left on Chapel Avenue, going underneath the small bridge and quickly right onto Shearwater Court, where at the end of cul-de-sac waited my home. Trevor had left his Escalade parked outside, and I smiled, pulling up besides my husband's ridiculously large SUV. I turned off the ignition and debated whether or not to haul everything inside or just wait for the morning.

I grabbed my purse and popped my door open; having decided that bringing my suitcase in could wait until I woke.

I walked to my front door, mumbling a faint hello to Trevor's and I wedding tree that now took residence in our front porch. I eased my key in, turning it quickly, and pushing the door open. I heard the faint beeping of the alarm system go off, starting a count down before it would "shut off" signaling the company of an intrusion. I disabled the alarm and armed the system once more. It was ridiculously quiet; the only sounds audible were the TV and the air conditioning unit. Everything else was dark, only the slight overcast of the TV illuminated the downstairs area.

I approached the couch, leaning over the back to finally see Trevor asleep with a stirring Oliver on his chest, and a possessive Theodora clinging to his neck. My eyes watered, but I smiled nonetheless, and before I could move, Ollie cooed, a faint cry dropping from his lips. I circled the couch, grabbing him from Trevor's chest. He must've been exhausted since he barely stirred when I removed Oliver from his chest.

I shushed Oliver as I bounced my knees. "No need to wake up Papa, Ollie. You're okay, my love," I whispered, walking a few steps to sit at the end of the L-shaped couch.

I unbuttoned my shirt, releasing my breast from its cup, and positioning Oliver to suckle. He latched immediately and I sighed, having missed the feeling of my son attached to my chest. I brought my legs up, adjusting both my son and I in a more comfortable position. I beamed down at him, watching as his blue eyes tried to focus on my face. My thumb caressed his cheek as he suckled.

"Noa," Trevor mumbled as he pulled Theo closer to him.

I snickered softly and shook my head. Those two had grown thick as thieves, and though most of the time I found it completely adorable, it had worked my nerves on more than one occasion. Oliver made suckling noises, swallowing, and cooing as he played with my fingers. To a mother, those were the most beautiful sounds your child could make when nursing. It's a beautiful bonding experience and I craved it more than once throughout this entire ordeal.

Theo whimpered and I looked up, watching as she sat up, wiping at her eyes. "Theo," I called out softly for her.

Her head turned and she adjusted her eyes at me. She crawled away from her father on the couch until she reached me. "Mami, you're home," she finished with a yawn.

I leaned sideways to kiss her forehead. "I am," I smiled. "What is your hair, Theodora Langan?"

"Papa let it down," she admitted, nestling underneath my bosom.

I shook my head, "I can see. Hold on, mama, let me lay down." I shifted, releasing Oliver's fingers and accommodating several throw pillows against the armrest and leaning back so that Theo could rest on me as well as Oliver, "There, come here."

Theo climbed between my legs and settled underneath my chest. One of her knees dug at my ribs, but I would take that sweet pain over not feeling anything at all. I burped Oliver and saw as his little eyes began to drift, and as I listened to my children's breathing even out, I too concealed sleep in that moment.

* * *

x x x

The sun was bright as it filtered through the glass doors that led to our patio. The kids hadn't woken after our brief encounter last night, and Trevor had slept like a baby the entire night. I adjusted my eyes to the bright, offending light; thankful that I had decided to shed my contacts on the plane ride home. My glasses had remained on my face for the entirety of the night and I pushed them up my nose. I groaned, feeling my muscles ache due to having held my children close to me for the night and not being able to move and find true comfort. I shifted, feeling Theo's little arm tighten around my waist. I ran my hand down her curly mane, watching as she smiled and moved her head to face me.

"Mami," she said, digging her chin on my side.

"Hermosa," I responded with a smile.

She pushed her body up, digging her little palms on my stomach until she reached my neck, "I missed you! Why were you gone so long?"

"I know ma, I know," I rested my head against hers. "Next time, I'll take you with me."

I turned my head, placing a kiss to her hair. She giggled, "I come to work with you, Mami?"

"Yes, you can come to work with me, but we won't tell Papa."

She giggled again, "Papa missed you too."

I bit my lip as my daughter sighed against my skin. "I missed you all," I patted her back. "Are you hungry?"

She nodded against my chest, "Can we have 'nana pancakes?"

I shook my head, "Yes we can, but we have to get up and give Ollie to Papa."

She moved, digging her leg in my groin.

I winced, that was something I _could_ live without, constantly being prodded and used as a couch cushion, but I couldn't deny admitting that I'd missed it after two weeks of not having it. She slid off the couch and I stood, supporting Oliver's back. I dropped him off on Trevor's inside elbow and watched as they both sighed in unison as Oliver pouted and stretched his fingers. I bent at the waist and picked up Theo, properly receiving my first hug in two weeks from her. I kissed her cheek and directed her to the kitchen where we got busy mashing bananas for the pancakes.

We didn't notice, but between our constant laughter and continuous shrieks of joy, Oliver woke. I could hear his cries and before I could move, Trevor grumbled. I placed my forefinger to my lips, shushing Theo playfully. The girl giggled and parroted me, bringing her butter-covered finger to her lips.

"Theo?" I heard Trevor question in confusion. "Theo, where are you?"

I nodded at Theo, "I make 'nana pancakes, Papa."

The quick shuffle that followed afterwards was enough to make me snicker. He came in the kitchen flustered and barely out of slumber when he noticed me. He smirked and closed his eyes, holding Ollie to his chest, "When did you get in?"

He kissed Theo's hair, standing besides me as I flipped a pancake, "Last night, it was almost midnight."

"Why didn't you wake me?"

I turned, leaning my hip against the stove, "You looked tired, plus Ollie had just woken up and I was breastfeeding him. Theo woke up a little bit after that—"

He captured my lips in a quick kiss. "God, I missed your ramblings," he mused, pressing his lips against my own in a searing kiss.

"Do you want to sit down with Theo while this pancake finishes? I'll take Ollie and eat while he feeds," I spoke against his lips, pressing mine against his. "We can climb in bed and let the kids wreak havoc around the house, what do you say?" I smiled, slowly opening my eyes.

"Can we put them outside instead?" he chuckled, smirking.

I shook my head, pushing at his chest.

He turned around and sat on the kitchen island, whilst I finished with our breakfast. After plating everything, we sat and ate and Trevor and I swapped Oliver in order for me to feed him. It was loud and boisterous, but what morning wasn't when I had my rambunctious toddler with me? After we were done, I took the kids upstairs for bath time whilst Trevor left to pick up Billings from the vet, having been kept for observation after Theo accidentally fed her chocolate chips from her yogurt bowl.

I had showered and set up a place for Theo and Oliver to play on the ground in my room when I heard Billings' bark from my door. She knew she wasn't allowed in any room unless she was called for so I beckoned her to me and basked in her love. Trevor jumped in the shower and when he came out, I was in the middle of nursing Oliver once more. He eased next to me, resting his head on his pillow and wrapping his arm around me.

"You're not allowed to leave this house again."

I snorted, watching Theo dance in front of her father's tablet, "And, who are you to forbid me from doing anything?"

I felt Trevor bite the skin above my elbow. "Your fucking husband," he chortled. "I will tie you to this bed if I have to."

"Is that a promise?" I quirked an eyebrow, turning my head to look at his smiling face.

"It was more of a threat, but a promise will do."

"You're so full of it," I tittered. "What did the vet say?"

"Oh," he slid his arm down my torso to rest at my hip. "Her symptoms were mild—restlessness, elevated heart rate, and some frequent urination. They lasted up until three in the morning though, and Theo fed her the chocolate at ten in the morning, so we dodged a bullet there."

I sighed, "I'm sorry."

"For what? It happens, Noa. We have a curious kid who's learning what nurturing is. She was just trying to make Billings 'feel better'."

I nodded dejectedly, "I'll try to not be so long next time. I didn't mean to leave you with all of... _this_."

He rested his head on his elbow, "Hey, we're in this together. They're my kids as much as they are yours, and I cannot expect you to do this all on your own."

"I _just_ gave birth a couple of months ago and I up and left my first month back at work, what does that have to say about our situation? I bet _people_ had a lot to say…"

"_People_ don't live in this house, _people_ do not pay the bills, or care for my children; you and I do. The only _people_ that needed and could say something about anything are with you in this bed," he paused, kissing my arm. "I'm proud of you. This was an opportunity for you and you went for it."

I smiled, helping Oliver have a better latch by propping his head on my forearm, "Thank you, for everything."

He sat up, kissing my lips and easing me back against the headboard. I felt his hand at my neck, gently applying pressure when I broke the kiss, panting, and out of breath. I rested my forehead against his mouth, swimming in my own arousal when I glanced down at the sleeping face of my son. His suckling noises had ceased and he'd broken the latch as he fell asleep. He had an arm curled against his chest and his pouty lips parted as he breathed in easily. I felt Trevor's lips on my neck and I hitched a breath, shrugging my shoulder, and leaning my head against his cheek.

"Don't fight me. I've missed you," I smirked, feeling his breath against my skin.

"I have your son in my arms and your daughter is at the foot of our bed."

"He's sleeping and she's—" he paused, lifting his head to watch Theodora resting her head on Billings' stomach. "Theo?"

Theo stood, climbing the stool we had at the foot of the bed to then crawl up the bed. She settled between my legs, yawning, "¿Tienes sueño, belleza?"

She smiled sleepily at me and nodded. "Come on then," Trevor said. "Go with Mama for nap time."

I knew why he had left her to me, his desire was peaking, and I already had Oliver in my arms, so might as well. I tucked myself inside my camisole, lowering a leg and then the other to stand. I dropped the kids off in their respective rooms with Billings following suit and returned, to find Trevor shedding his shirt.

"How old are you again?" I quipped, closing our bedroom door.

He chuckled, climbing out of the bed through my side and pushing me against the door, "Old enough to fuck my wife senseless, and after I've thoroughly fucked her, I'll make love to her until she passes out."

I hummed, scratching at his sides, "I don't see your wife anywhere around, care to take me instead?"

"Every day for the rest of my life," he said with conviction.


	5. Gentle

_**Gentle**_

"Noa?" I heard my husband calling for me. I smiled, looking up from the applesauce tub between my legs. He snickered once he found me on the kitchen island, "What are you doing?"

"I can't sleep," I mumbled, swallowing a spoonful of applesauce. "Plus, the contractions are getting worse."

He yawned, pressing a kiss to my cheek before hopping and sitting next to me. He took the spoon from my fingers, grabbing the tub from between my legs, and jamming the spoon in the sauce. He took a generous bite, turning to sit facing me, "It's two in the morning, come back to bed."

I shook my head, opening my mouth to watch Trevor smile, and shake his head as he fed me a spoonful of applesauce. "I can't," I rubbed at my stomach. "I think it's time."

Trevor choked around the spoon, swallowing quickly before placing the tub of applesauce down between us, "You're in labor?"

"I think I am," I said, grabbing at the jammed spoon and directing it to my mouth. "It was like this with Theo and Ollie," I looked up at him as I scooped more sauce onto the spoon. "Theo was at two in the morning, Ollie was at two in the morning… wouldn't be _that _much difference that this one would come at two in the morning."

"But, he's early—"

"Theo was thirty-three weeks, Ollie was thirty-five, _they_ can be thirty-four," I smiled, sliding the spoon between my lips.

"How are you so calm? Why aren't you freaking out?" he smirked. I grabbed his hands, placing one against my chest, and the other one to my stomach where I could feel our baby frantically moving about. Trevor gasped, feeling my heart galloping in my chest.

Trevor's hand at my stomach had begun moving about, and before I could comment on how relaxing his touch felt, a contraction hit me. It felt like the tide of the ocean, there was rolling pain radiating through my stomach. My hand flew up to rest atop Trevor's and I could feel my hardened abdomen through our palms. I held my breath, feeling the pain take over, and as I rode the wave of quick pain, I could hear Trevor mumbling reassurances.

I loved being pregnant. I loved all the changes my body went through, Trevor's overprotectiveness, and the kids' curiosity when it came to Mami's ever-growing belly. I'd been pregnant three times now, four if you counted the miscarriage, and every time, I would discover something new that my body was doing.

Trevor, though over-bearing at times, was a beautiful person to have around whilst pregnant. Between him and Alex, I didn't know who was luckiest, Casey or I. We had found out that we would be sharing this journey together and we couldn't have been more ecstatic if we tried, though, she had gone into labor roughly a month ago and now held securely in her hands the beautiful, Joshua Luke Cabot.

Whenever Casey and I got together to fawn over each other's bellies, he would hover around, making sure we weren't bending or straining ourselves. And, when tables were turned and it was Alex around us, we couldn't discern who was worst.

He loved having me pregnant, having enjoyed Theodora's pregnancy to the fullest until I had to go away.

Part of the reason I let him be the way he was when it came to Oliver's and this pregnancy was because I was _still_ feeling a little guilty about him having to miss Theo's birth and first year of life. Trevor would rub at my stomach, massage my back, and allow me to use him as my own pregnancy pillow. Even though I had purchased one during my second pregnancy, the look of offense on his face had me laughing for a week. I still found use for it when he was not around and it came very much handy when it came to breastfeeding.

I breathed out through my nose, opening my eyes as the pain slowly went away, "There you go. How are you feeling?"

I chuckled ruefully, placing the spoon inside the tub of applesauce. "I'm fine, Trev."

He shook his head, "Come on, let's get you changed and ready. We're leaving."

"I guess you're right," I conceded. "What about the kids?"

He hopped off the kitchen island and stood in front of me, pulling me towards him as best as he could in order to carry me to place me on the ground. "I'll call our parents once I have you upstairs and whilst you're getting ready, I'll get the kids ready," he said, moving around me. "I know you don't want anyone in the room once you're giving birth and I know you don't want anyone to see you or our son until we're home. I know the drill," he smirked at me, placing a kiss to my forehead.

"I love it when you listen, it's so… _sexy_," I chuckled. "And, no touching me either, please."

Trevor smiled apologetically, nodding. He placed a hand to my back and guided me out of the kitchen, allowing me to walk slightly in front of him as we reached the stairs.

During Oliver's delivery, I'd been in so much pain once getting closer to actually giving birth that anytime he touched me I felt myself getting even more irritated with him. At one point, I'd kicked every single person in our room out, and only had allowed Theo and Trevor to stay, but at some point, Sara had came and picked up Theo and taken her out. Ollie's labor had been an excruciating ten-hour long journey, but once I'd held him in my arms, all my tiredness, all the fatigue, all of the soreness had lifted from my body and I just existed in pure bliss.

I had started nesting roughly two weeks prior to this day and in my nesting frenzy, I'd prepared a bag with every necessity Trevor and I might need when this day came. I'd packed lozenges for my dry mouth, lip balm, maternity bras and nursing pads, all the toiletries I would need, and a couple of shorts and camisoles.

Maternity wards tended to be extremely warm to adjust baby to the new outside temperature, but after giving birth, I'd noticed that my body temperature was never the same. My body wouldn't be stable until a couple of months down the road where I knew I would be seeking Trevor's warmth during the mornings. In the same bag, I made sure Trevor had a couple of changes of clothes, snacks, and toiletries as well.

As I listened to Trevor shuffle and shift about our children's room, I could hear a faint conversation. I didn't know if it was his mother or mines, but he sounded somewhat irritated at the constant prodding and questions. I snickered, turning around to grab a couple of hair ties from my bedside table. Just like for Theodora's pregnancy, I'd let my hair grow out for Trevor's satisfaction. He loved seeing my hair cascade down my sides and over my breasts; he enjoyed it, especially when having sex. I quickly showered and slipped on a pair of maternity jeans and a t-shirt. I grabbed my glasses and placed them on my face, quickly reaching up to tie my hair up in a messy bun.

I sighed, placing my hands to my enlarged abdomen, when Trevor stood underneath our door. I winced, feeling the beginnings of another contraction. The wave slowly climbed, my abdomen tightening, and my eyes slipping shut behind my glasses. I heard Trevor call out my name and later felt the warmth of his palm radiating through my shirt. I groaned when the pain rolled off, leaning my forehead into Trevor's lips as he placed them against my forehead.

"That was a long one," he mused. "Thirty-eight seconds."

I breathed out harshly, opening my eyes, and adjusting my glasses on my face, "How long between the first one and this one?"

"Twenty-seven minutes."

I nodded, "Are the kids ready?"

"Yes, let me change and we'll leave."

"Who was on the phone giving you grief?" I giggled, looking up at him as he moved around our room.

"Your mother," I snickered when he shook his head. "I told her that my parents would be by to pick her up and she said that it was going to take her the exact same time to get there by train than waiting for them, so I told her to do what she wanted, but to let one of us know."

I shook my head, "Lord, that woman. Did you get in touch with your siblings?"

Trevor was slipping on his t-shirt when he answered, "Tommy's out of town, but I texted Ramona. Tilly said that she would probably beat us to the hospital since she's right there in Midtown. I haven't called Lex or Sara, we can do that in the car."

I nodded, going to stand. I grabbed the pregnancy pillow from the closet and exited the room, hearing Trevor shout at me to hold on to the railing as I made it downstairs. He would grab the bags and bring them down as well as grab our children. Theo and Ollie had become log sleepers as they aged so waking them up wouldn't be an issue at this hour. On our thirty-minute journey from Jersey City to NYU Langone, I had two more contractions, each of them lasting about twenty-five to thirty seconds. I knew that as soon the contractions started picking up, the chances for our baby to get there were only higher.

Once we got to the hospital, Tilly was already there with Oscar and was grinning at us as she saw us approach at the curb. She reached inside for some of the belongings, handing the bags and Theo to Oscar and her draping Oliver on her shoulder.

"Here," Trevor said, handing her a folder with all the paperwork she would need to check us in. "These are all of Noa's papers. Baby, get out here and I'll be inside as soon as I park."

I shook my head, "No. We'll park and you can escort me inside."

"Now's not the time to be difficult, Noa Elisa."

I shot him a withering look and before I could open my mouth, Tilly spoke, "Now's not the time to be arguing either. I'll make sure they have a room ready for her. How are the contractions?"

Trevor nodded, "Every twenty minutes or so."

I saw as Tilly nodded and turned to walk inside the hospital and Trevor eased up his window. The last thing I wanted to do was fight with him, but I didn't want to be left alone. He coursed through the garage, finding a spot on the same level where the ramp that connected the garage to the hospital was. He got out of the SUV, walked over to my side and helped me out. He reached into the back of the SUV and grabbed my pillow and handed it to me. We were smiling at each other, bracing ourselves for what was about to happen. We were about to welcome another life into our family and with each passing second, it seemed closer and closer to meeting our child.

As soon as we walked in to the labor and delivery floor another wave of pain took over my body, this time extending to my back. I clutched Trevor's hand in mine, sunk my teeth into my bottom lip, and let out an expletive under my breath. The pain wasn't too unbearable compared to what I knew I was about to go through, but it hurt nonetheless. I whimpered, feeling the sensation take over my lower back to the point I could feel myself doubling over. Once the roll tide had ceased, I'd opened my eyes, staring straight into the eyes of my husband.

"Ok?" he asked, raising his brows.

I nodded, taking in a deep breath, "Ok."

"All right, Mama," I heard to my right. "Let's get you in this triage room and see what's going on."

The nurse led us to a triage room that had been on standby thanks to Tilly. They took a vaginal swab to test for amniotic fluid as well as a cervical check to see if I was dilating or effaced. After that, everything progressed rather quickly. I was already along in dilation and was already getting ready for a more permanent room.

I had delivered Oliver in this exact hospital in some other room with beautiful mint and yellow accents yet this one was different. It seemed… soothing to the eye to watch the grey and blue accents on the walls. The room was spacious, housing a big couch underneath the window to the bed's far right. There was an incubator where my child would be once he or she made their debut in the world.

"Epidural?" Autumn, our nurse, asked.

"No," Trevor and I said in unison.

Autumn nodded, "Ok then, change into the gown, and you're free to soak in the tub or walk around. I will be in periodically to put the monitors on you to check for baby's heart rate and your contractions."

In a matter of hours, my room was filled with chatter, and anxious-nervous behavior. My contractions kept pushing themselves closer together and it seemed as if they were lasting forever. I'd hit a latent point where I'd become stagnant and nothing was happening yet at one point in the morning, I'd become exceedingly irritable.

"I don't understand why she's putting herself through that pain," I heard Gigi complain.

I was right at the end of a contraction when I'd had enough. I chanced a glance at Trevor, whose tired eyes conveyed more emotion than anything in the world.

"Guys, I think it's time," he said quietly.

"Noa, you're really kicking us out again?" my sister countered, standing at the foot of my bed.

"She's not kicking you out, I am," Trevor responded. "Come on guys, I don't know how long she's been awake and I would like for her to take a nap before she has to do all this work."

Sara opened her mouth to protest once more when the tide closed on me again. I groaned, clutching at the sheets. My family couldn't understand why on earth had I decided for a complete natural birth. No medications, just me, Trevor, the baby, and the pain, but I'd done it with Theo the very first time, and with Oliver it had been forced since by the time we'd gotten to the hospital it was too late for an epidural and it was time to push. I wanted this course, and Trevor had respected my decision.

I writhed on the bed, releasing a shaky breath, "Get out!"

Those who were sat around the room, lounging around immediately stood on their feet, exiting the room quickly, and those who were preparing to leave did so with more urgency. Tilly and Oscar had Theo and Oliver with them, and Trevor smiled sheepishly as our family exited our room.

"I'm sorry," I heaved, shaking my head on my pillow.

He smirked. "I told them to leave," he said, coming to sit next to my bed. "Do you want a lozenge?"

"Please," I said, licking my lips.

He searched and rummaged through the bag with our belongings, finding what I needed. He took a lozenge out and placed it in my mouth, "Your contractions are getting closer. Are you ready for Maximus?"

I smiled, sucking on the candy in my mouth. "What makes you so sure it'll be Maximus and not Clementine?"

Trevor snickered, pushing away stuck strands of hair from my forehead. "I'd like to think God knows that another girl in my life would be... chaotic. _Especially_ with you as their mother," he smiled beautifully, glancing to my left where the machine monitoring my contractions was. "Plus, you and Theo are a handful, imagine a third one?"

I sighed, feeling the strain from the position they had me in, "But, you've got to admit Clementine Grace is such a beautiful name."

"Maximus Noel will be a complete gentleman, though."

"God," I rolled my eyes, "you're so full of it!"

Trevor chuckled, glancing at the monitor, "Here comes—"

"Jesus," I whispered, feeling the contraction ripple through me. The pains were seemingly getting worst and the worst they got, the longer they got, too.

Trevor pressed a kiss to my sweaty forehead when I suddenly had an urge to poop. I could feel the sudden sinking feeling my stomach had once the contraction ended and I looked up at Trevor, watching the worry slowly dissipate from between his brows. I knew my contractions were bound to get more frequent and seemingly shorter, where I had no other option _but_ to push.

It was exhausting not to have more rest—it was like the longest marathon. If I wanted the contractions to stop, and if I wanted to meet my child, this was the only way, so I had _something_ to look forward to: pushing and meeting my baby.

"It's time," I whispered to Trevor with a smile.

When I got pregnant the first time and people would inquire on whether or not this was my first pregnancy, I'd often hear labor and childbirth being compared to running a marathon. I would argue that labor and childbirth were far more difficult than running a marathon yet a million times more fulfilling once the prize and knowledge of it being completed settled in. Yes, a marathon could be hard, both physically and mentally, but you could train for it, know what to expect, and you could prepare your own system to see how far you'd ran and how much more you had left. With childbirth, you knew when it started, but you didn't know when it would end.

Stories of being in labor for sixteen plus hours and subsequently pushing for an hour to no reprieve scared me then and now, and even after two successful births, it _still_ scared me. They say the first one is the worst, but I was thankful I hadn't known _when_ exactly I had gone into labor. I continued taking painkillers for when my back was being murderous that day and in the end, I had delivered Theodora in the living room of my then home accompanied by a great friend. For me, that had been the hardest part of childbirth: not knowing.

I thrived on knowing and planning for what was to come ahead, I did so every day in my field of work, but the not knowing part scared me the most.

The physical sensations of it were like nothing I had ever experienced before… or after. It was like a band of squeezing pressure that was neither painful nor pleasurable. Even though it hurt—like a burning sensation—I felt such relief when baby was delivered.

Emotionally, it was liberating. To this moment, I had _never_ felt more proud of my body and mind that when delivering my children. We had a quiet, _almost_ pain-free, unmedicated birth and it felt amazing to finally be free of the physical weight of carrying them in my body and the pressure of labor. Releasing my child into the world was like the relief one felt after agonizing over a tough conversation you get to have with someone and then having it go so well.

It'd been all but twenty-one minutes of pushing and setup and when the doctor lowly mentioned something along the lines of tearing, I'd been vocal about not cutting. I'd slowed down and given gentle pushes and with gravity by my side, my kid had been delivered with no tearing. With Oliver's delivery, I'd tear myself down there since everything was happening fairly quickly and the pushing had been a frantic one.

It'd only been three stitches, but the aftermath had been, two more months of no sex and recovery since I wasn't lubricating naturally. I hadn't felt comfortable in giving myself to Trevor when I knew I wasn't ready for him. He'd been most gentlemanly when applying the salve to my vaginal canal and one night, it had happened naturally, and let's just say I hadn't been the one to tap out.

I'd remained in a hospital gown after being helped in being changed into one that wasn't sodden and soiled with every possible bodily fluid of mines. The first two hours after birth was when the baby was most active and we had already breastfed. I was waking up from a nap when I heard Trevor cooing to our newborn, Maximus Noel.

"Max," he breathed out, placing a kiss to our son's forehead. "I just want to say this before you grow up. _You_ are _loved_. It's easy for me to say now, and I suspect as you get older, it will become a little more awkward, but I plan on still doing it."

My heart soared at the sight of my husband bonding with our newborn with such beautiful and heartfelt words. Before I had the chance to call out for him, he spoke again. "I won't ever tire of telling this to you, your sister, or your brother," he said with a smile, shifting Max in his arms to lay him down the length of his arm. "I am _beyond _proud of you. I don't want you or your siblings to ever wonder if you're good enough, if you made it, or if I'm proud. Sometimes, I'll be hard on you and your brother, but I would _never_ withhold my approval of you. Sure, at times, you will disappoint me, and I will allow you to know and feel this, but my pride in you will never waver. You'll learn and I will be there to guide you."

I bit my lip, shifting in bed as I felt my skin stick to the sheets below me. I was perspiring profusely and in need of a shower, but I wouldn't disrupt the exchange happening a few feet from me.

He bit his lip, holding his smile before telling him the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard. "I'm going to tell you something my father—your Tito—told me when I was a teenager: you _are_ gifted, but you're not God," Max shifted in his arms, sneezing in the process. "Bless you, baby," he said, before smiling down at him. "Genuine masculinity doesn't strut, it _bows_. A _real _man knows that his strength isn't found in his exploits or what he thinks or what he thinks people think of him. The humility will fuel his compassion and will allow him to forgive those who deeply wound him."

I smiled, feeling the tears stream down my face when Max lifted his little arms and began wailing and shifting in Trevor's arms, "Come on, hand him over."

Trevor looked up, using his legs to come to a stand. "I'm giving you to Mami, hold on bud," he said, passing him over.

Once I had Max in my arms, he slid behind me on the bed, having me rest on his chest so that he could be part of the breastfeeding experience as well. I positioned Max for a proper latch and felt sudden relief from my chest. I felt Trevor's lips on my neck and I hummed at the feel of his lips against my searing skin. I turned my head, smiling at him when I leaned forward, placing my lips to his.

"He's beautiful, Noa," Trevor mused. "You did _so_ incredibly good."

"You know, it actually wasn't as painful this time around, though the contractions were a bitch."

Trevor chuckled, "He looks like you."

I shook my head, utilizing my thumb to wipe away at the tear that was threatening to fall down my son's face. "You said that about Oliver, and now look at him," I chuckled, pushing back onto Trevor and forcing him to lay back.

I felt him shrug, "I think our little Max will have a beautiful mixture of the both of us."

"That'd be nice!" I yawned. "Should we let Tilly and Tristan know that they have a godson?"

Trevor pressed his lips against my temple twice, "They're going to want to bust in here and you're exhausted and he's eating… and quite honestly, I don't want to share you just yet."

"They're not coming to see me anyways," I said in jest. "But, I know we agreed to no visitors until we were settled home and we could have the baby shower then," I yawned again, feeling my energy slowly decrease as my son's eyes drooped. "Oh, and thank you for helping me there at the end."

"You were so exhausted, Noa," he said next to my ear. "You are incredible."

"Me and every woman that ever walked this earth," Trevor snickered and I smiled. "I heard you talking to him."

"Hmm."

"I love the love you have for our children, papi."

I could feel Trevor's bashful smile as he spoke, "I'm only trying to be a great father to them. I want them to think of me as someone they can talk to, no matter what problem they think they may have, and I want them to know that I will always be here for them."

"You already are all those things, Trev."

He pressed a kiss to my hair and wrapped his arms around me, helping me support our son as he slowly drifted to sleep. We had finally welcomed our third and most new addition into the Langan bloodline and neither of us could contain the excitement. Being someone's mother was truly my greatest accomplishment, and seeing the look of utter love and fascination in my husband's eyes at the sight of someone he had helped create was something I could never get used to.

I was most definitely looking forward to the coming months of growth and change, yet I would forever bask in this beautiful bliss.

* * *

**A/N: **This was actually going to be the epilogue of _The Assistant_ and then the muse hit and I came up with the current epilogue that I find most fitting, so I saved this one for a rainy day. :)


	6. Number One

_**Number One**_

"Papa, I potty," Theo said from between us.

"Ooh, want me to take her?" I asked Trevor, rubbing on my small bump.

"Ah," he contemplated, looking at our surroundings. We had stopped in front of coffee shop, "No, I'll take her in. Order us something warm?"

I nodded as I followed my husband and daughter inside the coffee shop.

We had decided to take Theo to the park before meeting with the family for lunch nearby. I was pregnant and though barely noticeable, I could feel it, and my feet and stamina were definitely feeling it. With Theo's pregnancy—around this time—I was able to do anything I wanted; yet with this pregnancy I was feeling sluggish by the second. My mother had some myths and old wives tales about the gender of our baby and Trevor, being the man that he was, believed it. I smiled, placing our drink orders. As I went to pay, someone behind me spoke.

"I—I got it," I turned, recognizing the voice. "Nice to see you again, Noa," he said with a smile.

He placed his order just as I gaped at the man in front of me. How long had it been since I'd seen him, let alone exist in the same place together? He chuckled, watching as my face turned from surprise, to confusion, to surprise, to elation.

"Have I left you speechless?" he said with a quirk of his brow.

"Yea—Yea," I said, walking forward to embrace the man. "How are you? Oh my God, how long has it been?"

He squeezed my sides, placing a kiss to my hair. "It's been… quite some time, but I'm good, how are you? You look good."

I rolled my eyes with a smile, shaking my head. "Thank you," I sighed, catching my breath. "I've been good, I've been really good. Busy with life, but I can't complain."

He nodded, biting his lip, "I see that you're married, lucky guy."

"Lucky _me_," I retorted quickly.

He shrugged, "Trust me when I say, lucky guy. You, Noa Diaz, were always a catch. It's a pity I waited so long to talk to you."

I smiled, leaning my hip against the counter. "You always were the smooth talker…" There was a heavy pause and we looked at each other, smirking. Our eyes danced across each other's face when we broke out in laughter, "How's the stock market these days?"

He chuckled, "You _do_ know I'm not a stockbroker, right?"

I shrugged, "Broker, trader, same difference."

"Still impossible as ever, huh?"

I winked, "You know it!"

We laughed, turning when the barista called out our drinks. He took the drink caddy offered, signaling with his head towards an empty table with four chairs. As we sat, he grabbed his cup, pushing the caddy towards me, "To answer your question, expect a stock market tumble to cloud your retirement years."

"Well, isn't that fucking great," he snickered before breaking out in laughter.

Before he could respond, I heard Theo squeal for me, "Mami!"

I turned my head, smiling at my daughter as she ran towards me. I turned slightly, picking her up and sitting her across my lap, placing multiple kisses to her cheek, "Theo, can you say 'hi' to Mami's friend?"

The girl smiled and turned her head. "Hi," she said, elongating the syllable.

The man across from me smiled, crossing his arms, and placing them on the table, "Hey there little one, what's your name?"

Theo looked up at me and I nodded, watching as she turned once more, "I Theo."

"Theodora," I corrected, placing my lips to her crown.

"Wow, Theodora. What happened to Geraldine, and calling her Gildy?"

I laughed, a full belly roar as I threw my head back, "I actually threw the name out there as kind of a joke, but my husband ended up loving the name."

"Just as much as I love you," I heard Trevor say from besides me.

I smiled up at the man and saw as he extended his hand, "Trevor Langan."

"Brody Johnston," he replied, shaking my husband's hand.

"Bro—Brody, from college?" Trevor replied tensely.

"Ah," Brody replied with a smile. "I hope what you've heard of me is all good."

I could feel my cheeks warm up at the sudden turn of the conversation and I could see Trevor tense besides me. He moved behind me to ease into the chair next to me and I handed him his cup, grabbing Theo's as well and giving it to the girl, "Theo, it's hot, so let's wait a little."

The girl nodded and settled on my lap, "Who would've thought hard ass Noa Diaz would be so maternal."

"Bite me, Johnston."

"There she is!" he laughed, shaking his head.

"So, uh, Brody," Trevor began, clearing his throat. "What—What do you do?"

"I am a stock trader for an investment firm."

"Oh, a Wall Street shark," Trevor smirked.

"You have to be if you want to make it in the business."

"Remember when you sat in my dorm pissed beyond measure because you couldn't figure out the mock portfolio?" I giggled.

Brody rolled his eyes, "Ten minutes, that's all it took and I _for sure_ figured it out then."

I blushed, smirking at what he was hinting, and I shook my head. I could feel Trevor's tension from besides me and I knew I was treading dangerous waters. The conversation flowed through the table; Trevor discussed his firm, Brody discussed his firm and the stock market, and he played with Theo and even bought her some cookies to accompany her hot chocolate. I knew Brody was flirting with me, all in lighthearted fun, and I tried to avoid it at every turn, but I gave in a few times.

We bid our farewell, as the time was approaching to meet with the rest of the family, and as we walked over to the café, I could tell something was bothering him, but couldn't exactly pinpoint what. I decided to let it ride and focus on our prancing daughter a couple of feet in front of us. I leaned to his side, feeling the sudden tightening of his muscles.

"Baby, are you ok? You've been awfully quiet since before we left the coffee shop," I prodded gently.

"I'm fine."

"Are you, really?"

"Not now, Noa."

I hummed, releasing his arm, and pushing forward on my stride. If this is how he wanted to do it, then this was how it would be handled. I knew I was at fault for blatantly condoning the flirtatious vibe between Brody and I, but he _could_ speak to me about it. I knew he had a jealous streak—and so did I—but whenever I had been jealous, I always made it known and would make it known, to whomever it was trying to flirt with my husband that he was taken, and his wife was _not_ putting up with such behavior.

It wasn't that I wanted Trevor to show off and it wasn't that I was purposefully attempting to make him angry, but the flirting had stopped once Trevor had joined the table and drawn the conversation away from our dating life. _He _was the one that kept bringing up our college years; _he _was the one that kept fishing for trouble, not the other way around, so in a way, that was I teaching him a lesson. Don't go looking for something that you cannot handle. Brody had been nothing but courteous and respectful, but I also knew what he was capable of, it had been one of the reasons that had drawn me to him.

"What's going on with you and Trevor?" Casey asked from besides me.

I sighed, turning on my chair, "Do you remember Brody Johnston?"

"Wrestling Brody or Soccer Brody?"

I furrowed my brow and shook my head in tandem, "No, Case, eww. Soccer Brody!"

Casey snickered, "I was about to say, Noa, but yes, I remember Soccer Brody. He had half the varsity girl's teams heartbroken."

"Yea, well, we dated for about two years. I…" I sighed, rolling my eyes. "I lost my virginity to him."

Casey widened her eyes, "Noa!"

"I ran into him before meeting you all. He was… _friendly_ and Trevor was _not_ having it."

"Neither would I! The fuck?" she seethed.

"I get it, Jesus, I do…" I huffed, "but he was the one that kept fishing for information—"

"And, you should've stopped him. Brody is an ass-wad, Noa," Casey leaned back on her chair, cupping her forehead.

"I tried, but every time I steered the conversation towards another topic, here came Trevor asking about 'young Noa' and 'has she always been this feisty in a relationship'," I rolled my eyes, mocking his voice.

Casey shook her head. "You _know_ how possessive he is of the people he loves," she sighed, running a hand over her face. "I'm not saying either of you are right, but he's going to be pissed about this for some time if you don't fix it."

"Casey—"

"I know you, Noa. Just as much as I know how Brody was back then. We all knew he was a good guy underneath, but the thing that made him most unattractive was his ability to 'humble-brag' about shit."

I sighed. "I know, I know, and I think in the end that was what made me fall for him," I grunted, reaching for my glass of water and taking a sip. "A little jealousy is good, right?"

Casey snickered, "When it's harmless and with strangers. You're talking about the guy that first bedded you, the one Trevor will _always_ be jealous of because he had you before him."

"That's ridiculous and a little sexist."

"But, not a lie."

"Casey," I shook my head, placing the glass in my hand on the table. "I didn't marry a chauvinist."

"No, you married someone who loves you. Someone who will lay down his life in lieu of yours and his daughter."

I nodded and bit my lip, "God, I hate it when you're right."

* * *

He'd opened the door for me and a sleeping Theodora draped over my shoulder. The meeting with the family had gone… okay save for my conversation with Casey. I knew she was right and I needed to make this right with my husband. I wasn't going to allow for us to go to bed like this, him angry with me for Brody's blatant disrespect. It had essentially been my fault and I should have kept the conversation light and not stemmed around my previous relationship with him.

I climbed the stairs slowly and carefully to reach my daughter's room. Once I had her safely in bed, I went to my room and shed my shoes, returning downstairs where I found Trevor in the kitchen chucking back a shot of his preferred whisky. I husked my chuckle and he turned, glaring at me, grabbing the bottle, and pouring more of the amber liquid in the glass. I gave him a moment to find whatever comfort he sought in the liquid.

"Are you ready to tell me what's going on with you or am I better off sleeping down here?" I asked, leaning against the kitchen island.

He scoffed, "I… am not happy with you at the moment."

"I gathered as much. Care to tell me why?"

"Like you don't know," he said, bringing the glass to his mouth and finishing off the liquid poured.

"I… have an idea," I said sighing and crossing my arms. "But, I much rather you tell me what's going on."

He chuckled ruefully, pouring one last glass of the auburn liquid in his glass, "You have some fucking nerve _unabashedly_ flirting in front of your husband."

"That wasn't my intention, Trev."

"Could've fooled me!" he shouted, turning to face me. "How would you feel if I were to flirt in front of you with Miranda—"

"Oh, screw you! That's different and you know it."

"—without any regard—different? Different how?" he chuckled with an amused grin. "Huh? It's the same thing."

I took a step forward; "Don't play me for a fool, Trevor. You _know_ that is different. You were engaged to her and furthermore, she _openly_ stated how much she wanted you back. Brody did no such thing."

"So, what?" he said, spinning around. "Am I supposed to be okay with it because he was _just_ your boyfriend?"

"That's _not_ what I'm saying."

"No?" he asked, furrowing his brow. I could see the anger etched between his brows and I bit my lip. I'd hurt him, unintentionally, but I had nonetheless so I had to make this right. "No? Then what _are _you saying? Because it sounds to me that you're defending the asshole that disrespected our marriage. Or—Or am _I _wrong?"

I sighed, looking down at my feet. "You're not wrong," I mumbled lowly.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" I could hear the amusement in his voice. He was enjoying this.

I looked up, forcing myself to give him eye contact, "I said: you're not wrong."

Trevor snorted, turning towards the counter, and slapping the glass on the surface. He grabbed the bottle and poured some of the drink in the glass to quickly chuck it back.

"What do you want me to say, Trev?" I asked, taking several steps forward.

He hummed, holding in his mouth the liquid. "Don't. Just… don't," he warned, pointing at me. "You don't get to play the sympathy card this time."

I scoffed, shaking my head. "Sympathy? _Sympathy_?" I said, turning around to exit the kitchen.

I heard him growl and before I could cross the threshold, his hand surrounded my elbow. "You don't get to do that either," he husked. "You don't get to stonewall me."

I shook my arm from his hold, pushing past him towards the direction he had came in from. It was _I _now who needed a drink. Of course I was guilty of stonewalling in our arguments, but getting sympathy? That was a low blow.

Sympathy was a word that he tended to use with his clients. I knew, I'd worked with the man for roughly a year and had been married to him for some months to know that it was a word meant to feel as the tip of a dagger. Trevor was calculated and meticulous, he argued for sport and living, he knew what buttons to push, and when to push them. Arguing was second nature to me, I'd been doing it since I could remember, but arguing with Trevor, if not careful, could lead to dangerous areas that were not meant to be treaded out of spite.

I grabbed the bottle of whisky, pouring the liquid in the same glass he had and I stared at the glass. I knew what I was doing. I couldn't be drinking, I _was_ pregnant after all.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he seethed.

"Oh," I scoffed. "I don't know. Trying to get some _sympathy_ out of you," I said in a biting tone.

"Fuck you, Noa!"

I smirked, turning my head towards his frame. "You're nothing but a grown ass child," I mocked, leaning my hip on the counter. "Why can't you _just_ tell me _what_ is bothering you?"

He took several steps forward, reaching me quickly. He leaned forward, hovering over me, "If you can't see what's bothering me, what's the point of continuing this argument?"

I took a deep breath in, taking notice of how strongly laced with whisky his breath was. He had refrained from drinking during the family lunch because even in his anger, Trevor wouldn't let me drive knowing I was pregnant yet, in the short time we'd been in our home, he'd drunk enough and now had all the liquid courage he could muster to not let me get away with anything. He was usually more levelheaded and even-tempered than this so I knew _for sure_ that he was beyond livid with me. And, it's not that I wanted to 'win' this argument, or 'get away with it', it's just that I didn't want to argue. I _hated_ arguing with him.

Arguing with Trevor got us nowhere each and every time. Debating on the other hand… or even discussing something would've been more productive than what we were doing.

I sighed, closing my eyes. I heard as the glass slid across the countertop and I knew he had drained the liquid in a gulp when I heard him swallow loudly. I knew he was still hovering over me. He was angry, hurt, and frustrated and as a result he had puffed up. He was already astronomically tall so there truly was no need to get big, but all those feelings carried big energy, there was nothing I could do about it. We needed to get to the root of this. This wasn't because we had run into Brody; there was something else here. I could feel it.

"You were the one that kept fishing for information, Trevor. What did you expect Brody to do?" I asked calmly, opening my eyes.

"_Fuck_ what I expected Brody to do. It's what I expected _you_ to do that you _didn't_!"

I chuckled in amusement, shaking my head, "So, now I'm supposed to read your mind, too? Jesus, Trev—"

"No. No! Stop," he said, waving his hands in front of me. "I stopped Miranda when she implied whatever the fuck it was that she implied that afternoon at the triplex. I made sure you _knew_ that whatever she was saying, it wasn't flying with me, and it would _never_ fly with me because I was and still am a taken man."

I rolled my eyes dramatically, raising my voice, "You're still bringing that up? IT'S NOT THE SAME!"

He stood straight, leaning forward slightly, "It _is_ the same."

"No. No, it isn't," I renewed with vigor. "Miranda was purposefully trying to bait you to see if in the end I could be hurt by whatever you responded. _You _fished for that fucking information. _You _wanted to know about Brody's and I relationship. It was a dick-measuring contest, and you fucking know it. And—" I sighed, running my hands through my hair, "—why are we _still_ talking about something that happened almost three years ago? Can you explain _that_ to me?"

"Because it's relevant—"

"It's not," I quickly added, crossing my arms over my chest. "You're _making_ it relevant, that's different."

We glared at each other as I pondered why he kept bringing up the conversation with Miranda. Was there something he wasn't telling me?

I hadn't been upset or mad that she had showed up at the apartment and try to give that, somewhat, bullshit apology then, what would make him think that bringing it up now would make me upset? And, suddenly everything clicked. I knew why he was mad. I understood now why he was mad. This wasn't about me stopping him or Brody from their one-upmanship when it came to me. This was clearly something else. This was beyond comprehension at this point and if I hadn't been so attuned with him, this would've continued to be an issue.

I smiled, shaking my head. "And, now she finds this funny," he mused. "What's so funny about this situation, Noa?"

I shrugged, biting my lip. Trevor had a possessive streak within him and though he was never blatant about it, I knew it was there. I was _his_. He was _mine_. Of course we were our own person, but we both were similar when it came to this. It's the sole reason I had chosen to be Noa Langan, because I belonged to him completely.

"You."

"Me?" I nodded, taking a step forward. "I'm glad you find me hilarious," I looped my arms around his waist, flushing my body against his when he tensed. "Stop. Noa, stop."

I shook my head, looking up at him, "No. _You_ stop. Tell me what this _really _is about. No more yelling. No more cussing. Be honest with me."

I was looking up at him lovingly and I could tell he was about to relent, "You can't do that, Noa."

I sighed, closing my eyes briefly, "Do what?"

"_This_!"

I opened my eyes. "What? Hug my husband?" Trevor pushed at my forearms, "Stop, just… talk to me. I know what's bothering you, but I want to hear it from your mouth."

"No, you tell _me_ since you're oh so benevolent…"

I smiled, "You aren't mad because I flirted a little."

"Yes, I am—"

I shook my head, "You're mad because I flirted with the guy who took my virginity—"

"Noa!"

"—you're mad because we still have a good relationship. _That's _why you're upset."

"Yet, you still did it," he conceded quietly.

"I only wanted you a little bit jealous, not full blown agitated. I'm sorry, Trev," I breathed out, placing my chin on his sternum. He shook his head, unable to look at me. "Hey," I said, shaking him briefly in my arms. "Look at me. You don't get to act like a little kid that's been wronged and ignore me now. Use your words."

He sighed, shaking his head. "I saw it today," I furrowed my brows, giving my head a little shake. "I saw today what my buddies and I used to… _gloat_ about in our college years. A girl—a woman—will _always_ be available to the guy that she lost her virginity to."

"Papi," I mused, shaking my head. "I'm not _a girl_, I'm _your wife_. I didn't _lose_ my virginity to Brody, I _gave _it to him; it was _my_ choice, _my_ decision. I just wanted to be sure that he wasn't just with me because of it. I was almost twenty-one, Trev, when I 'lost' my virginity. I was pretty much tired of not experiencing that in some way. I don't regret having done it, and I wasn't attached to him like some of my friends had been to their boyfriends when they had gone through a similar experience. I left him that year for Christ's sake and moved _to another country_. I have no feelings for Brody."

"It hurt me," his words haunted me.

"I'm sorry, Trev. I'm so sorry—uhn!" I grunted, feeling some fluttering against my stomach. At twenty-three weeks you could barely tell I was pregnant due to my inverted cervix. I did have somewhat of a… stomach, but not nearly as big as I had been with Theodora at this time. "I'm sorry," I whispered one last time.

I had tipped my chin to glance down our pressed together bellies and he grabbed at my chin, "I'm sorry, too."

I shook my head, "I was the asshole."

He snickered, "So was I, but you're pregnant."

"No excuses."

He smiled beautifully, nodding, "Guess he heard all of that, huh?"

I nodded, "I think we woke him up. He'd stopped moving when I finished eating."

"He?" he said with a smirk, running his hands down my body. I rolled my eyes, "You're finally catching on."

I sighed, reacting to Trevor's touch and suddenly feeling out of breath, "Trevor…"

He hummed, touching me wantonly, "Let's get you off your feet that way I can show you how mine you are."

He spoke lowly against my face and I shuddered, "I'm sorry."

He bit his lip, "I'll make you pay, don't you worry."


	7. Bad Liar

Theo is almost six. Ollie is almost four. Max is six months old.

* * *

_**Bad Liar**_

Five months.

One hundred and fifty-two days.

That's how long Trevor had been living out of our home. I'd like to think that it was me that drove him away, that pushed him into saying what he had said and doing what he had done, but no, in the end, it had been Theo. Everyone knew that she was my daughter to _every_ extent of the word. She resembled me at that age, she had this... coolness about her, and at her young age she could con you out of your last bite of food. She was also, as stubborn as a mule.

We'd gotten to this point not just because of _one_ particular sentence that had broken this camel's back, but because of the continuous alluding to it.

A couple of months back, Trevor had been working from home as per his contract with RBE. I completely understood that he needed some peace and quiet, but it had been snowing heavily throughout the entire week and the kids had been locked inside with a _newborn_ for the entirety of the day. Tensions were running high and he had yelled at Theo for God knows what and she had stood her ground, clutching her little fists by her side, and furrowing her brows in distaste.

Now, the words that had left his mouth were beyond hurtful. Not because of what he had said, but because of the _way_ they'd been said. We had joked in the three years of our marriage with the words, '_why did I marry you_' to the point that they were always said in jest. Never did we ever meant for them to bring out any insecurity or hurt the other yet that day, when he had shouted to his daughter's face, '_I should've never had kids in the first place_' and I had seen Theo's little body relax in confusion at what the words meant to her had damn near broken my heart.

I'd kicked him out then and there, but that had been five months ago.

It was weird sleeping in such a big bed without the gargantuan man next to me, but I sought warmth and love in my children and newborn. He'd begged time and again to come home, he'd apologized countless times too, but this wasn't something that could be fixed with an '_I'm sorry_'; if Trevor _really_ wanted to be kid-free, then he would be—_out_ of our home.

I knew that he had just said what he had because he was upset, under pressure to meet a somewhat unrealistic deadline, and he was tired, but if he wanted someone to insult or front-stab, that was what I was for. I knew to discern that he had just said what he had said in the heat of the moment and I knew our daughter, whom was pushing six years of life, could push your buttons when she really set her mind to it, but all that she had wanted at the moment was some much needed attention from her beloved Papa.

I didn't know where he was staying. I never cared to ask where he had gone. I didn't know if he was eating or sleeping. I didn't care either. My priorities were the kids and that was where all the focus I could spare went.

"Have you spoken to Trevor?" Alex asked, smiling at my newborn, Maximus.

I scoffed, shaking my head. "No, but you have," I smartly retorted, slicing some watermelon for Theo's last game of the season.

She tut-tutted her tongue as she flicked Max's chin repeatedly. "I did. He _does_ sleep in our guest bedroom from time to time, you know," she shifted in the stool across from me. "Noa, how long are you going to keep this up, huh? It's been what four—"

"Five."

"—months since he's slept under the same roof as his children. Don't you think you're being a little hard on him?" she finished, her blue eyes shining behind her dark rimmed glasses.

I tittered in amusement, dropping the knife in my hand. "No, Alex. I _don't _think I'm being too hard on him," I said with a cock of my head. At her hesitance, I picked up the knife and continued chopping the fruit in front of me.

"These are his children—"

"He sees them every weekend and whenever he wants. I'm not denying him that satisfaction."

"All he does is mope—"

"Should've thought about that before opening that big mouth of his," I mumbled.

"He can't sleep. He barely eats—"

"He'll survive," I said unamused.

"—he misses you!"

I stopped at the words that had fallen from the blonde woman's lips. I'd spent many a night pondering on whether or not he did or did not miss me. I knew, for a fact, that he was missing his children. Not being able to wake up in the same roof as them or help with the night feedings of Max was most definitely killing him, but he'd shown no anguish when it came to me.

He'd shown up many times during the week for bedtime, after work, for dinner, and none of those times had I seen contriteness in his eyes. Unless he'd been doing what I had to do: show resilience for my children's sake. But, Trevor was a bad liar when it came to me. I've always been able to read him like a book so when Alex had said that he was missing me, it _truly_ came as a shock.

"Well," I begun softly, rubbing my wrist over my brow, mindful of the sharp object in my hand. "Serves him right for saying what he said. And, _to_ Theo nonetheless."

Alex snickered, "Oh, Max. I hope_ you're _not as stubborn as your mother."

I shook my head, smiling softly. Maybe Alex was right, maybe I needed to hear him out, see what he had to say for himself.

"I know there's no winning with you," she said, and I rolled my eyes, slamming my hands against the island. "Let him come home, Noa."

"No. And, that's final."

* * *

Monday morning had caught on to me quite early. Max had woken me with screams that could wake the entire neighborhood if allowed with a spiking fever of one hundred and two and getting worst by the second. He'd been teething and if he was like any of his siblings, this wouldn't be over for another month or so.

Now that Trevor wasn't home, I couldn't rely on that other parent to jump in and take over when I needed a little reprieve nor was I going to call him at five o'clock in the morning to come help. I had just finished dropping off Theodora at school and was on my way back to our home with the boys from the pharmacy. I'd picked up some teething pellets for Max and some more medicine for his fever when I noticed Trevor's Escalade parked in front of the house.

I shook my head in amusement, easing my Acadia onto the ramp. I slipped out and opened the door behind me, promptly unbuckling Ollie. He made a face at me and I stuck out my tongue, receiving jovial giggles from the boy.

"Wait for me, and don't go to the street."

Oliver nodded and as I made way to the other side where my other boy was, was when he shouted: "Papa, you back!"

I bit my lip and attempted to listen to Oliver and Trevor's conversation.

He grunted, no doubt picking up from the ground his three year old carbon copy, "What are you doing home, bud? Aren't you supposed to be at daycare?"

"Mami say I stay with her and Max," Ollie explained.

At that moment I appeared in front of the man with a fussy Max in my arms, "Is—Is everything all right, Noa?"

I nodded, handling my keys as I approached the door. "Max is teething," I said simply, allowing him to follow me inside.

I felt Oliver run past me and I knew Trevor had put him down. He immediately reached for the bag hanging on my elbow and I shook my head, handing him the now crying baby in my arms. I made quick work of the contents in the bag, quickly shaking two pellets out and giving them to Trevor so that he could give them to our son as I busied myself with the medicine and the syringe. I could hear my husband shushing and cooing at our son. I gave him the syringe with the correct dosage of medicine and saw, as the boy seemed to calm. I walked towards the living room, unlocking and opening the door to our patio in order to let Oliver out with Billings.

I sat on the couch, in the corner closest to the door that awarded me view of the outside so that I could monitor my son. I sighed; adjusting the camisole I'd been wearing in order to breastfeed Max. Trevor handed me the fussy baby and sat a couple of cushions down, "So, how long have you been casing my house."

Trevor scoffed and shook his head as Max latched successfully, "It's my shortcut to work."

I snorted, glancing sideways at him quickly, and looking down at our son, wiping away the stray tear running down his face. "No, it isn't," I said matter of factually.

"Yes, it is."

"It isn't," I said with a rogue smile, turning to gauge his expression.

"I've been taking the ferry to work," he solemnly mentioned after a moment of silence. "It—It's easier if I want to see the kids."

I parted my mouth in amusement, shaking my head in tandem as I listened carefully to both what Trevor had just said and the suckling noises my son was making. I couldn't seem to wrap my head around what he had just said: _he was taking the ferry to work_. A man who hated to wait, hence the reason he _drove_ in the city.

A man, who in our dating stage, _loathed_ the fact that I could beat him places when I was taking the subway; the same man that was now sitting beside me telling me that he was riding the ferry to work, and a shortcut _to_ the ferry? Lies.

I laughed soundly, biting my lip. Our street was a cul-de-sac, there was one way in and one way out, if he was staying with Tommy _across_ the canals that connected our neighborhood of Port Liberté, he needn't to come all this way when I _knew_ the ferry left from the other side.

He touched my elbow and I could feel the warmth surrounding the area he was now touching, spreading all through my arm. I whimpered pathetically and he stroked his thumb over my flesh, smirking at the goosebumps he'd created on my arm. "Listen, Noa," he begun softly. "I know we're not particularly in a great spot at the moment, but I'm free this afternoon. How about I come by with lunch and you can sleep while I hang out with the boys. I'll even pick up Theo early from school on my way back. You deserve some quiet and some time to rest."

I smiled, hiking up the half asleep baby across my stomach up, giving him more reach to successfully lactate. I nodded, "I'd like that. Thank you."

He gave a quick nod and a wry smile before leaning over to kiss Max's thigh, whispering his love to his skin and pressing his lips to the boy's flesh once more. I had momentarily held my breath, thinking for a second that he was leaning over to kiss me, but I'd been mistaken and he noticed my anticipation. He cleared his throat and stood, walking to the door that gave access to our patio to say goodbye to his other son that had looked upset and teary from what I could discern. He had managed to calm him down before leaving, which was something I was appreciative of; nothing worse than having to deal with an inconsolable toddler.

The week progressed by effortlessly with Max having taken a turn for the better once the actual teeth had broken the skin. I could feel them when he breastfed and could tell by the faint teeth imprint he'd left on his teething toy. After Monday, the entire situation had left me thinking, maybe it _was_ time for us to converse, and finally put an end to this.

The kids were most definitely missing him and I was missing him the most. I loved waking up in the mornings knowing that he was there, feeling his arm tighten around my midsection, or the feel of his scruff against my shoulder blade, or my leg wrapped around his. Those were the moments I was missing the most: the intimate ones. The ones that no one else got to witness other than us.

I had asked Alex if it was possible for her to pick up the kids and keep them over night at her place and she had been completely on board, getting an idea of what might be happening tonight. I had worked late that afternoon after receiving a text message from Trevor stating that he was not going to be able to pick up the kids from school or at all today until tomorrow morning since he had some trial prep he needed to finish. I'd taken that opportunity to catch up with my own work, after having missed two days of the week.

I had driven over to Trevor's firm, utilizing my keycard to gain access to the building's garage and office. The front was dark and so were each of the hallways to both my right and left, yet at the end of "Trevor's" hall was a dimly lit light that I could only presume was coming from his assistant's desk. I smiled, reminiscing on the many a time I had sat underneath that lamp atop the desk, my head propped up by my elbow patiently waiting until Trevor was ready to go home. Most of the time he hadn't known I had stayed, but I'd learned that the employee shouldn't leave before the boss, especially if that employee was the assistant.

I had approached his door as silently as possible. I knew he had this tendency of getting lost in his work and being startled wasn't in the plans. He was sitting behind his desk, tie askew, buttons undone, sleeves rolled up, and jacket discarded somewhere I couldn't tell.

I smiled.

I missed this; seeing him so engrossed in his work that time slipped through his fingertips. I leaned on his doorjamb, knocking besides my face on the wood to grab his attention. He looked up; a smile spreading across his face once he saw it was just I.

He leaned back on his chair with a sigh, "I wasn't expecting you. Are—Are the kids okay?"

I nodded, taking a step forward, "They're fine. They're with Alex, but I didn't come here to talk about the kids."

"Huh?"

I bit my lip, slowly approaching his desk. "I have a question for you," he nodded, raising his brows. "How often do you take that… _shortcut_ past the house?"

Trevor scoffed. "Technically?" I raised my brows, stopping at the side of his desk, placing my hands on my hips. "Pretty much every day."

I smiled at the ground, passing his desk and standing in front of the windows that gave view to the city behind him. "You _do_ know that… _technically_ that's stalking," I looked over my shoulder, smirking. "It's kind of cute," I finished with a purse of my lips.

Trevor chuckled quietly, leaning forward to stand and approach me. I could feel his hesitance, but I needed him to shake in his boots just for a little bit longer. "I know I fucked up… royally."

I smiled, turning and crossing my arms, "I'm listening."

"I shouldn't have said that. Not in front of Theo. Not _to_ Theo."

"Yea."

He sighed, "I was so angry and, and _stressed_ and she just kept… pushing my buttons." I opened my mouth to interrupt his thoughts, but he stopped me with his words, "I know, no excuses. I'm just telling you what happened."

I nodded, "You know you're going to have to speak to her, right?"

"We spoke. I apologized to her and she did that pursing thing with her lips when she smiled… just like you did just now."

I snorted, shaking my head, "Well, you do love to say that she's my daughter. You're not wrong."

He took a step forward and I lowered my arms, wrapping them around his body. I could feel what was to happen and I craned my neck to reach his lips. His hands framed my face as he deepened the kiss. My mouth parted willingly, allowing him access inside without protest. Five months had gone by without me feeling him like this that I kept pulling him towards me. He wanted to drink me in. He wanted more access to my mouth, but there was so much we could do and have at the moment.

I pulled back, hearing Trevor's growl as he searched for my mouth. "God, I missed you," he admitted.

I pressed my lips to his, "I'm sorry."

He smiled, running his thumb across my cheekbone. "I deserved this. Maybe not for this long, but I did."

I kissed him two more times and wrapped myself around him, placing my head against his beating heart. I felt his lips on my head and his arms down my back and I could feel the happiness radiating through his body.

In the five months that he had lived out of our home, I'd never knew I could come to miss so much of him on me. And, though I saw him every day in our children, having his presence around was the best thing of this partnership and not having him to share a comment on something that had happened at work or with one of the kids had been hard.

Forget the sex.

Sex was sex and if I really wanted it, I could find it someplace else—not that I would, but—it was the simple moments: a brush of hands, a wink, a smile that I was missing. I was missing his essence.

But, he would be back tonight, and we would make up for those five months that we had missed.

* * *

**A/N: **Hope you enjoy this chapter! I haven't been in a writing mood for so long thanks to the pandemic, but I have found it and I promise to be back soon with either another update or who knows, maybe a new fic... Please review, and if there's anything you'd like for me to write with these two, do not hesitate to shoot me a message!


	8. He's Hot!

_**He's hot!**_

Trevor and I had volunteered to keep an eye on Theodora's softball team at their annual pool party to commemorate the end of another successful spring season. The girls would bring their siblings, have fun in the sun, and continue that bonding experience that only one could have with their teammates. Since it was our turn to chaperone, we needed to make all of the preparations. I'd enlisted the help of Casey to help with the planning and decorations, as well as the snack portion of the afternoon. Trevor was in charge of the grill and Oliver and Maximus had decided to spend their afternoon estrogen-free at their aunt's house in Manhattan.

"Mami," I heard behind me and I turned to acknowledge my daughter. I hummed in response and raised my brow, fixing my cap on my forehead in order to look at the girls in front of me better, "Can Jaycee and Lauren come over for a sleepover? They already asked their parents and if it's ok with you, it's ok with them."

I smirked, shaking my head, "You know we have your brothers' start of season tomorrow, TJ."

She pouted, stepping forward and wrapping her arms around my waist, "Mami," she whined, "Ollie's game isn't until ten tomorrow and Max's game is at noon. Please," she finished, elongating the syllable.

I placed my hands on her swaying hips, tittering, "Let me talk to your father first and I'll get back to you girls in a few, all right?"

Theo squealed, grabbing my face in her hands, and peppering a few kisses on my cheek, "Gracias Mami, you're the best."

"Thank you, Mrs. Langan," said Jaycee with a smile.

"Yea, thanks!" responded Lauren with a bounce.

I shook my head and patted Theo's bottom playfully as they turned to jump in the pool. It was beautiful to say the least to watch your children blossom into their teenage years. Theo was fixing to turn fourteen in the summer and I loved watching her grow up into the young woman she was becoming.

Casey snuck up on me, hauling yet another cooler filled with assorted types of refreshments for the girls, rolling her eyes at the squealing few that had already arrived. I shook my head and giggled, "Are you _truly_ ready for that, Noa?"

I shrugged, squatting in front of the cooler to inspect its contents, "Are you really _ever_ ready for anything life throws at you, Case?"

"Spoken like a true bullshitter," she snorted.

I turned on my waist, playfully slapping her bare thigh, "Can I object?"

"Nope!" She giggled again and I shook my head, "Look, it's not remotely as bad as one thinks. You just have to get over the boy-craze phase, the 'I-hate-you' phase, the _possible_ goth phase, and then by the time all of that has been accomplished she'll be off to college and you'll still have to go through it with Ollie and Max."

"Well, fuck me, then."

She laughed heartily, a belly-roaring laugh that brought a smile to my face. I'd always enjoyed the sound of Casey's laugh. Even in our youth, her laughter always seemed most genuine. If you could make Casey laugh her full laugh, you _knew_ you were funny.

I ran my hand over the ice, spreading it throughout the length of the cooler. I grabbed a can of soda and raised it over my head, feeling Casey's fingers on my own as she took the can in her hands, "Where's Trevor?"

I shook my hands and shut the lid of the cooler, using my knees to stand up, "He went to pick up the burgers and hotdogs one of the parents donated. We have all the condiments and dressings here, but that's important."

Casey nodded and took a sip of her can of soda, using her brows to signal behind me. I turned, watching one of the parents and Theo's teammate walk in through the gates. I smiled and rushed to him, taking the cake from his hands. "Thank you," he offered.

"It's no problem! Casey, could you clear a spot for the cake?"

Casey nodded, setting the can down on the table and moving some stuff around in order for me to place the cake down. I heard Theo and some of the girls there already get out of the pool to meet their teammate and as the girl waved goodbye to her father and me shouting my appreciation to him as well, I heard one of the girls comment on the appearance and looks of the father that had just left. I snapped my head up, my eyes landing on Casey's immediately.

Casey raised her brows, _you heard that too, right?_

I tilted my head in amusement, _did I?_

Casey tittered, shaking her head, "Told you."

I huffed, placing my hand on my forehead, "Not now, Casey, please."

She snickered, walking past me to attend a shouting Theodora. I groaned inwardly, and outwardly too.

This was the age where they were starting to look at others sexually. It was definitely the time I realized what I could do with just a pretty smile and a bat of my lashes, and though it would be _highly_ hypocritical of me to say that I hoped Theo never figured out the power behind her pretty face and soundly eyes, I knew it was coming. I could tell every morning when she would spend those extra five minutes in front of her mirror making sure every hair was in its place, and her mascara hadn't touched the skin underneath her eyes.

I removed my shirt, but remained in my shorts, exposing the bathing suit underneath my clothing items. And, as I received other parents, chatted with some lingering moms, and gave the girls what they needed and asked for, Trevor arrived, followed by one of Theo's teammate mumbling something underneath his breath about having more burgers in the SUV. I stood, exiting the pool area to pick up more trays of burgers and hotdogs ready for grilling. I shut the door of Trevor's SUV and returned to the reserved area to see him firing the grill up.

Theo had exited the pool and was now pressed against her father, laughing and giggling jovially as she transferred water to her father's clean clothes. Trevor feigned annoyance, but still laughed and when Theo stood near the edge of the pool, he gently shoved her forward, sending the girl squealing down into the water.

"They're hungry already?" I asked, approaching him with a can of soda.

He leaned sideways, placing his lips on mine quickly. "If they aren't, they will be. Ivy's mom did an amazing job with these. The entire SUV smelled of it. I know Ivy and I were starving," he smiled.

"Do we have to take Ivy back once this is done?"

Trevor shook his head, opening the can of soda and placing some of the burgers on the warmed grill, "They'll come pick her up once we start wrapping up."

I nodded, "Oh, your daughter wants to have two of the girls over tonight."

Trevor smiled, shaking his head; "We have start of season tomorrow."

I shrugged a shoulder, "I know, but the games aren't until later in the morning—as she stated in her argument." Trevor chuckled. "Hey, that's _your_ daughter," I added with a smirk.

"Who are the girls?"

"Jaycee and Lauren."

He groaned. "Why them two?" he turned to regard me. I shrugged, shaking my head; "We'll call the parents before all of this is over."

I kissed his jaw, nibbling his skin in a form of thanks. As I walked away he mumbled something about us being the death of him and I shook my head, kneeling near the edge of the pool to speak to Theodora about the development of her request. She smiled beautifully and thanked me once more for talking to Trevor about the sleepover situation.

The pool party continued effortlessly with Casey tossing the girls into the water, Trevor grilling for the girls, and the occasional dip in the pool. The afternoon evolved quickly, taking care of twelve squealing girls—and siblings—was taxing. I laughed, listening to the girls complain about their 'struggles' and 'worries' as we ate, and Trevor tried to steer clear of any topic involving boys. I would giggle to myself and nudge Casey's arm every time Trevor would roll his eyes, sigh heavily, or look constipated and pained with the topics across the table.

We had spoken to the parents of Jaycee and Lauren, agreeing that we could drop off each of the girls at their respective home before the boys were set to start. The parents were going to drop off a bag for them to have clothes for tonight and tomorrow morning. Before we knew it, the other parents had started picking up their children and with everyone that left we would send chips, cake, drinks, and other stuff with them. Whatever they wanted to take was up for grabs. At this point, only a few of the girls were left and they had decided to sit near the edge of the pool to talk as Trevor and I set aside what was ours.

Casey was fixing to leave and bid her farewell to Theo when she stood in haste and stomped towards us, "Aunt Casey, could you drop me off at home?"

Casey sputtered, looking between Trevor and I, "Well—Well, don't you have to wait for the parents of your friends? I mean, I don't mind—"

"They're not staying at the house anymore," she said crossing her arms across her chest.

I furrowed my brow, "Wait, why? What happened?"

She opened her mouth as if to explain the situation, but instead shook her head, biting her lip. "That's irrelevant right now!" she sighed, closing her eyes. "Please, Aunt Casey?"

Casey looked back at Trevor and I with a bemused expression, mirroring the same one on mine and Trevor's faces, "Yes—Yes, sweetheart, I'll drop you off."

"You—You have the spare key, right, Case?" Trevor asked from behind me.

Casey nodded and wrapped her arm around Theo's shoulder and like that, they left. Theodora did not bother to lift her head up and acknowledge the remaining girls as she past them by on their way out the gate. She'd left the bag she had brought with her, her towel, and change of clothes. Something _deep_ must've happened if _this_ was her reaction. I glanced back at Trevor who had busied his self with cleaning the grill and making sure everything was as left for us.

Some of the girls offered me apologetic smiles and a few of them averted their eyes. Whatever happened between them, Theodora was going to be the one to figure it out and fix it. She had to if she wanted to continue to play with these girls, not to mention, this was the school team. She couldn't avoid them forever. At some point they were bound to sit next to each other during class or pass each other in the halls. The parents kept arriving and soon, it was only Trevor and I.

We packed up our belongings and distributed it to each of our vehicles, "Should I pick up the boys or do you want to go?"

Trevor shook his head; "Alex will drop them off a little bit later. What about Theo, are we going to address _that_?"

I sighed, pulling my cap off. "Whatever happened, it was _bad._ Jaycee's mom didn't even had the chance to get out of the car before Jaycee was hopping in," I sighed. "I don't know, Trev. I—I want to give her space and allow for her to come to us, but at the same time…"

Trevor rubbed my arm, "I know, I know. We can figure it out when we get home. We're not that far anyways."

"Yea, you're right," I said in a breathy sigh.

He kissed my cheek, and we both turned to enter our SUVs.

* * *

Trevor and I busied our selves in taking everything out of the SUVs and making sure that everything was properly stored and put away. Whilst he showered, I prepared everything for the next day that was fixing to be packed with fun. Theo didn't emerge from her room if she heard us downstairs, but I couldn't blame her. If she was anything like me at that age, I wanted to be alone, be able to process, and figure it out on my own. Until I had everything sorted, I wouldn't leave my room to talk to anyone.

Trevor took over in finishing the preparations for the next day, and as I was leaving to shower, the boys came busting in through the door with their blonde aunt looking exhausted by the second. I chuckled; kissing Alex's cheek, and feeling the boys hug my waist. Our home sure was a livelier one thanks to my three boys, because when Trevor, Oliver, and Maximus got together… Lord help us all!

I walked past Theodora's closed bedroom door, sighing softly. She was awake, that much I could tell; the soft melodic tunes that seemed muffled to my ears kept her company whilst she stewed. All of our children knew about the open-door rule, but we respected that some times, we all _just_ needed some quiet.

Nightfall soon arrived when the couch dipped next to me, "_Why_ did we decide to have _two_ boys again?"

I snickered, taking a sip from my glass of wine. "_We_ didn't decide anything, Trevor Langan. It is a known fact that the _father_ is the one that chooses the sex, so…" I smirked, handing Trevor my glass of wine.

He hummed, gulping, "So, what are you saying? That this is _my_ fault?"

I turned my head to quickly glance at him and back at my lap where my book rested, "That is _exactly_ what I'm saying."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's retract here," he shifted. "_You _were the one that wanted all boys, remember?"

"Yes, but you were the one that said, '_I'll give it to you all, whatever you want_'," I turned my head, closing the book. "Again, your fault," I whispered, leaning forward to press my lips against his.

He hummed in appreciation, "Care to make another one?"

I pushed on his chest, snorting, "In your dreams! We're done, remember?"

He shrugged, finishing the crimson liquid, "We could change our mind."

"_We _cannot," I shook my head.

"If we have another boy…" he widened his eyes. "On second thought, we're done."

I giggled, "That's what I thought."

Trevor chuckled, but then sighed, "Theo's door is open." I raised my brows, leaning back against the couch cushions, "I don't want to talk to her without you."

I nodded and stood, taking the glass Trevor was offering. For now, it would be discarded on the coffee table alongside my book; it could wait until the morning. We took the stairs effortlessly and when we stood in front of Theo's door, I leaned on the jamb, watching my daughter color away in her book. I looked up at Trevor and he smiled, tilting his chin slightly to urge me on. I knocked on the jamb with my knuckle, smiling once she looked up.

She smiled at me and frowned at her father, "What is _he_ doing here?"

I furrowed my brow and entered her room followed by Trevor. I lifted my knee and sat on her bed in front of her, "_He_ is your father and _you_ _will_ watch the bite of that tongue, Theodora."

She dropped her colored pencil in the book and closed it. She sighed, rubbing at her face, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I know it's your not fault, Papi, but I can't stand to look at you without think—"

She grunted in frustration, dropping her hands from her face, "Without _what_, Theo? If I did anything to make _you_… or your friends uncomfortable, tell me now so that I can rectify it for the future."

She scoffed ruefully, tracing a line on the cover of her book, "You can't _rectify_ your existence, Papi."

I made a face, glancing at Trevor. "A little less vague, Theodora," I urged on.

She sighed, finally looking at me, and then at her father. "Apparently," she begun, squaring her shoulders, "the only reason Jaycee and Lauren wanted to stay over tonight was to '_be able to spend a night under the same roof as a fine ass_ _daddy'_ like mines," she sagged her shoulders, closing her eyes and scoffing in disgust.

I parted my mouth, grinning up at Trevor. He smirked, rubbing at his neck, "I take it your friends made some comments about me, huh?"

"_They_ are _not_ my friends."

I sighed. "Theo," I tried.

"Mami, that's your husband! How are you not... _mad_? Why would they make those comments? And, in front of me… the hell!"

"Hey!" Trevor warned.

"You want to take this or am I on my own here?" Trevor smiled and I shook my head, "Theo, they're girls. Of course they're starting to find men attractive."

"Men, Ma! Not my _father_!"

"Your father _is_ a man, mami. It's completely normal. I was that age too once, Theo, and I had my fair share of… _crushes_ with some of the dad's. You girls are at that age where _boys_ are losing their umph and you're looking for someone… mature. I never vocalized it as… forward as your friends—"

"They're _not_ my friends!"

"—did, but it crossed my mind and it happened."

"Well… I don't like it!"

"And, you're not expected to, preciosa. You can tell them how you feel, and you have my permission to threaten them too," I winked.

"Noa!" Trevor grunted, "Listen Theo, I get it, you're your mother's daughter when it comes to being jealous—"

Theo made the exact same face I had made earlier, shaking her head, "Jealous? Papi, you're the handsomest dad in my grade. Why would _I_ be jealous?"

I tittered and Trevor shook his head, smiling, "Lord, help me. What I mean, Theo, is that your feelings towards this situation… never mind that, the point is, I only have eyes for one woman, and one woman only. It will most likely continue to happen—not that I want it to happen—and you're just going to have to use your words, Theo."

She sighed, "Can I really threaten them?"

"Yes."

"No!" Trevor shot me a pointed look.

Theo giggled, "I'm sorry if I acted like a brat earlier. I was _really_ upset."

I nodded and stood, leaning forward to kiss her hair, "You had every right to be."

Trevor leaned and kissed her forehead, mumbling his love for her, "I love you, Theo."

"I love you too, Papi."

We exited her room when I felt Trevor push me against the opposite wall, "Threaten her teammates, really?"

His mouth floated inches away from mine. "Have to teach her young to let it be known that no one messes with what is hers," I panted, feeling Trevor's hands roam my body.

"Did your mother teach you that?"

I husked my giggle, "You'll never know."

* * *

**A/N:** This one was fun to write and a little insight on my life as this has happened far too much for my liking, lol. I know people have been asking for an update on Benson's Memoir, and it's coming, I just need to organize my thoughts and formulate the words.


	9. Sorrow

**WARNING: **Trigger warning: miscarriage.

* * *

_**Sorrow**_

"Come on, sweetheart. One step at a time," Trevor said softly as I took the stairs of our home one by one.

I'd been at work, dutifully working my way through a project when I felt the painful cramping. It was nothing like I've ever felt before. Not even when I went in through labor with Theodora _or_ Oliver. My periods had never been bad yet this pain was something intolerable. I gripped my desk, wincing in pain when one of the interns noticed what was wrong. I was rushed to the hospital immediately, but I could feel my world coming apart with every passing moment in the ambulance. With every blare of the siren, I could feel my heart beat in my ears with rapid succession, getting louder and louder until it drowned out every sound possible.

"_It was a silent first-trimester miscarriage, Mr. Langan," the doctor said solemnly._

"_What does that even mean? She—She was pregnant?"_

_The doctor smiled bashfully, "It's normal for women not to notice immediately. And, some women continue to menstruate until the beginning of their second trimester, Mr. Langan."_

"_I knew," I heard myself say through the daze. "I knew."_

_Trevor approached me, putting his hand on my shoulder, "Baby—"_

"_¡Cállate!" I bit with a growl. "I—I—I don't—don't want to hear—" a sob broke through me, shutting me up completely._

"_Noa," he whispered, driving my body to his chest._

"_Take her home, Mr. Langan. Bring her to the ER if any bleeding starts."_

Everything hurt. Why did everything hurt? Walking seemed impossible, standing upright was a task, breathing was unbearable, and living… living would prove to be extremely hard after this. I'd heard everything the doctor had said. Every word, every sympathetic look, and every apologetic smile I'd seen. It was as hard for him as it was for me to even speak about it. My body had failed to recognize that the baby it was carrying was no longer living well into the first trimester. It led me to believe that I was still pregnant, but today, a week into my second trimester it had done its job.

I knew I was pregnant. After having been so two times already, by now I knew what my body was doing, but I'd waited to tell Trevor when I was pregnant with Oliver until I knew for sure yet this time around, I'd failed to set an appointment, being too busy with a preschooler and a toddler. _No excuses, Noa. You should've known better._

I felt Trevor's hands at my waist, ridding my body from the scrubs the hospital had given me, "I—I can do it."

His hands stopped moving. "Baby—" I looked up at him with a fierce glare, effectively redirecting his speech. "Let me be here for you, Noa."

I know I should've been more sensible to his needs, to the way his voice trembled at the sound of my name, but no. I needed solitude right now. This was my fault. I had… _robbed_ Trevor from the opportunity of being a father again. My body had betrayed me, betrayed _us_ as an institution. I couldn't face Trevor and his bright blue eyes right now. Not now and not within the next few minutes.

"Plea—Please close the door when you leave."

He sighed quietly, pressing his lips to my forehead, and left letting his hands lingers across my stomach as he made way to the door. As soon as I heard the soft click of the door, I rested my hands on the bathroom counter, letting my grief take over. I could feel my shoulders shake without control and I surrendered, letting them take over. The grief, that's all I was allowing myself to feel. I didn't want to feel the love that Trevor had wanted to give me. I sobbed; long and hard, feeling my knees give out below me.

Why? Why had this happened? I knew anything could happen when in the first trimester. It was the most critical one and the one that mothers feared the most yet I walked around as if I was untouchable, above everybody else. How cruel and real had that slap been to my face and how deep the dagger had been struck into my heart. How unfair and unmerited this entire experience had been.

I sniffled, running the back of my hand through my nose. I needed to gain composure; I needed to pick up the kids from preschool and daycare any minute now.

* * *

**Trevor's POV**

It pained me deeply to hear her sob like that, to hear her suffering like that, to know that she wanted nothing to do with me, and that we were separated by this mere door. I finally heard the water running in our tub and I stood, wiping my eyes from any remaining tears. Noa needed help, and if she didn't want my help, I would get her some help. She needed another woman, someone that could sympathize with her situation, someone she could trust and lean on. I know she didn't want to speak to her mother, and though her relationship with her sister had improved, I knew she was the last person she wanted to see at the moment.

I paced our room, listening to her soft whimpers, and sniffles through the door. I had been there with Casey when she had had hers. Emily had been two or three when they had tried to become parents again, but that unjust moment had happened right in the middle of their kitchen. I would never forget the look of terror in her face, how pale her skin had turned, and the tears both she and Alex had shed afterwards.

I dug my phone out of my pocket, quickly searching for the familiar contact number. It rung several times before the cheerful voice answered, "Case, I need a favor."

* * *

"Mami," I heard my daughter's voice down the hall, filled with joy and excitement.

I sniffled awaiting her impeding arrival in my room. I felt the bed dip behind me and I turned slightly to watch her carefully climb over me, "Ma—you're crying. Mami, why you crying?"

I smiled sadly, wiping at my cheeks, "Oh sweet pea, Mami isn't feeling all too well."

I saw Theo's eyes dance over my face, studying every expression possible, "Tummy hurts?"

All the love I saw in my daughter's eyes, the way her hand provided weight on sternum, and her pulled in brow were too much for me to bear. What if they looked like Theo in a future? Browning sandy hair, big expressive eyes, cute dimples, curiosity beyond repair… I sobbed, holding on to my daughter's little hand. I knew I was scaring her, I could feel her tensing hand in mine.

"It's ok, Theo. Mommy is just in a lot of pain," Casey soothed. "Come on, go downstairs with Daddy so that he can give you a snack."

When had Casey gotten here? Had she been the one to pick up the kids? Why had Trevor brought her here? "I—I want to be alone, Case," I sniffled, hearing the tremble in my voice.

Again, I felt the bed dip behind me when her arms looped around my front. She had lain behind me, flushing her body with mine. I knew it was she. Her body shape had no comparison with Trevor's sturdiness. She was soft and warm, and smelled of strawberries and wildflowers. Her arm around my waist was gentle yet firm, like a comforting blanket around my torso. She had come straight from work, I could feel her nylons against my calves and her breath had the faint smell of coffee.

"Casey," I whispered.

"I don't want to hear it, Noa. If you won't allow for Trevor to be here, then, allow me. I know exactly what you're feeling and no matter what you say, I _know_ you don't want to be alone right this minute."

I opened my eyes, turning in her embrace, "You—You _had_ one?"

I could feel my eyes jumping between deep pools of emerald splashed with blue, and golden specks of brown. Her eyes shone with the threat of impending tears and she smiled apologetically, nodding as she did so. I knew she could see the shock in my face and I buried myself in the comfort of the woman next to me. I let myself be engulfed in her strawberry scent laced faintly with the wear and tear of the day. I could feel her breath on my ear, calmly shushing me and bringing me comfort, and her hands down my back as she tried to ease the ache I was feeling at this moment.

I didn't know how long it had been. I didn't know if I'd fallen asleep or not. I didn't know if I'd gone catatonic or not, but what I did know was that I was feeling warm. I felt loved. Cared for. Not judged. The comforting scent of strawberries and wildflowers was still very much present, and very much strong, and the beating heart underneath the chest I was lain on, let me know that I was here, and I was awake. If I'd been asleep, I'd been woken to relive the grief I was feeling. If I'd been catatonic, I'd been brought back to suffer through torment. I wanted to be numb; be covered in temporary slumber until all the heartache, soreness, hurt, and discomfort had… evanesced.

I took a shuddering breath and heard myself whimper. "I'm sorry," Casey said, attempting to mask the pain in her voice. "I'm sorry you loss the life you were harboring in your body. I'm sorry you feel like you've failed… as a mother, as a wife… as a _woman_. I'm sorry, Noa."

I tightened my arms around her, swallowing a growing snivel. I wanted to tell her to keep her apology. I wanted to tell her that this wasn't fair. I wanted to tell her so many things, but my body failed met yet again and all I could do was remind myself to breathe, to inhale and exhale before I made myself _really_ ill and further scare my children.

"It happened almost three years after having Emily," Casey begun quietly. "Alex and I were… in a rough spot and Emily was being a handful. We were constantly fighting, bickering with each other over stupid things; work being the main thing. One day, I came home from work and I found Alex and Em bundled up by the fireplace asleep, and they looked so beautiful together, Noa," she said wistfully. She made a sound, as if she were swallowing her laugh before she continued, "I made the decision then to carry another child. We could give Emily a sibling and maybe our marriage could be… saved.

"Alex was so on board. She wanted more children, but she didn't want to carry them, she could never slow down enough, and could you imagine a pregnant Alexandra Cabot?" she tittered ruefully. "I got inseminated and it took, just like that. We were so happy! The fighting had stopped. The bickering was a thing of the past, and our home felt like a _home_," she ran her fingers through my hair, pushing the strands away from my face. "We were hosting a brunch to announce our pregnancy. I was roughly twelve weeks along and Alex had gone to pick up some last minute things at the grocery store when Trevor got there. He said that he wasn't staying long, that he had other plans, but he would never miss our brunches. I was laughing. I was laughing, Noa, can you believe that?" she waited for me to answer, never stopping her movements against my scalp.

"And then, it was like I was having an out of body experience. It hurt so much. Giving birth had _not_ felt like _that_. Trevor thought I was dying, but all I kept saying was, 'baby'," I winced at the word, puling softly, and shutting my eyes, "I was rushed to the hospital and all I felt was numbness. I could feel the weight of Alex's hand on my shoulder. I could hear the doctor talking to her. I could see the affliction in everyone's eyes. I hated it.

"All of a sudden, I was mad. Fueled with this bitter feeling that took me by surprise. I lashed out at Emily for carrying her baby doll around the house that afternoon, why?" she mused. "I yelled and got red in the face with Alex because I was being babied too much, telling her that millions of women went through this and they all had survived. Then came the guilt and the sadness, together. It was a… torrent of emotions and I was beside myself. I didn't know what to do, so I shut down.

"Alex gave me space, but that night when she didn't find me in bed and instead found me curled up in a corner of the shower, I realized that I didn't want to be alone. I realized that when something goes wrong, we search and search to find something—someone to blame. With a miscarriage, there's not really anyone or thing to blame—"

"This _is_ my fault."

"—and it leaves us grasping for some way to make sense of what happened, leaving misplaced guilt and anger. These are all confusing emotions that lead to more anger and guilt, and in the end, you're not only hurting yourself, you're hurting those around you that only want to be here with you."

"I a—am guilty, Casey. _My body is guilty_," I growled.

"What are you feeling?"

"Emptiness. Betrayal. Shame."

"Shame? Betrayal? Noa—"

I looked up at Casey, feeling my lash line heavy with tears. "Shame, Casey, yes! All Trevor wants from me is my unconditional love. The _only_ way I can give him that is by giving him children! You see how he is with Theo and Ollie. He doesn't look at me the same way he looks at them, with—with such love and, and, _devotion_," I could feel my lip trembling, and the first heavy tear cruising down my cheek. "It died inside of me, and my body… _lied_ to me for _three more weeks_ before it fucking told me I was unfit to be a mother."

Casey's nose had gained a beautiful rosy tint, matching her cheeks, and the creeping floridness from her neckline, "_You _are an _amazing_ mother, Noa. You have two little beings downstairs that are happy to argue with you otherwise."

"Casey—"

"I've put women in jail who _are_ unfit, Noa Langan, and _you_ are _not _unfit."

I sighed. I was tired, beyond exhausted, "This happened, Casey. I… _robbed_ Trevor and my kids of someone else. I did this."

"So, _I _caused my miscarriage?"

I sat up, watching Casey's satisfactory twitch of the lips, "No, Case—"

"You accepting that this happened, that this is _real_ doesn't mean that you're _okay_ with what happened. It just means that you _know _is real, you know and _understand_ what you're dealing with."

Even though I wanted nothing to do with people at the moment or stand the look of either my husband or my children, Casey had been exactly what I had needed. She was right, many a woman had gone through this, were going through this, and even though I didn't want this sorrow and ache for anyone, I knew this would continue to happen. Because, sometimes it is not the right moment and we're just but a mere atom in the great scheme of things. No matter how much you'd yearn for it, how much you could prepare for it, if it wasn't written for you, it was _not_ for you.

Who knew Casey and Alex had gone through this experience a couple of years back? Who knew Casey had shut down Alex and pushed her away when they seem to seek each other at every turn. It was beautiful to watch them, beautiful to watch their love from the outside. It was like a dance. They moved separately, but in unison. They each knew their role and if interference was needed or the other needed to be guided back, it was done gracefully. Their eyes would find each other, no matter where they were, and their bodies would gravitate towards the other without the need to voice their want. Trevor's and I relationship _felt_ like that.

I would notice it all the time: the way my hand would find his when his patience was running thin, the way he would press against me when he knew I was uncomfortable, and now, the way we would be there for each other when it came to our children. I wondered if others could see that. That maybe the way Trevor looked at his kids was not the way he was looking at me because he had reserved his own special kind of way of looking at me.

This process was bound to be a difficult one. We weren't exactly planning for another child at this moment, but neither had we the first or second time it had happened. Both times had been a surprise and even though doctors had asked to put in place a contraception plan for me, I had dutifully declined. It was seldom the time Trevor did came inside of me, it was always on me or… it was swallowed. And, again, it's not like we ran the chance of an unwanted pregnancy. We were financially stable and were happy in our marriage. A child had been a blessing both times it had happened and a third one would've been no exception to the rule.

Casey shifted, tipping my chin to meet her face, "Are you listening?" I furrowed my brow and shook my head. She nodded and smiled, "I said, I'll take Ollie and Theo home with me for the rest of the week—"

"It's Tuesday."

"—and I'll bring them back on the weekend depending on how you're feeling."

"But, it's Tuesday. I—I—my kids…"

"Will be very well cared for—"

"I don't doubt that, Case."

"—and you are always welcomed to drop by unannounced if you want to see them before then, but spending time with Trevor will help you both in the end. I know all I wanted to do during that first week and a half was be in Alex's arms without having to put on a façade for Emily's sake."

I nodded, biting my lip, "Thank you."

"Any time," she smiled, kissing my forehead.

I don't know exactly what had happened, how much time had gone by, but I woke up with tight leg muscles and the soothing sound of the waterfall showerhead of my en suite bathroom. Everything was silent. The loud squeals and roaring laughter of my children were nowhere to be found and for a second I panicked. _What time is it?_ I remembered the scent of strawberries, Casey's soothing voice, and how warm her touch had felt. I had stopped Trevor from providing the same kind of touch I'd welcomed from Casey, but it was something I couldn't explain. I couldn't bear to look into my husband's eyes and see my grief mirrored. To know that this situation—that I had caused this pain in him would be mind-boggling and bone breaking.

I was a coward. When Trevor needed me to be strong for him, I'd pushed him away, sent him to be on his own with his own pain. What kind of wife was I? I had promised him to be there for him whenever he would need me, no matter the tears, no matter the laughs, his pain was to be mine, and my joy was to be his too. Yet, I'd taken my pain and threw it at him, leaving him with the burden of both of our discomfort and the added task of the front of trying to be happy for our children.

I swung my legs from the bed and stood, steadying my swaying body before I made a start towards the bathroom. I pushed the door open, hearing as the water hit the tile, and the muffled crying that came from Trevor. I took a shuddering breath and felt my stomach clench within me. I'd done that. I'd done that with my selfishness. I'd made Trevor sob and plea to the Heavens to take away _my_ pain so that _his_ could tolerable. _What did you do, Noa?_

His back was towards me, his head hanging low between his sagged shoulders, and his extended arm was the only thing that kept him upright. I managed to sneak in the shower, clothed and all to tangle myself around his naked form. "I'm sorry," I breathed against his back. "I'm sorry, Trev. I'm sorry," I closed my eyes, pressing my cheek against his back.

He'd tensed upon initial contact and had sniffled and stand upright, bringing his free hand to mines around his stomach, "Baby—Baby, go back to bed. You should be resting."

I tightened my hold around, "I'm sorry."

"Noa, you don't—"

"I pushed you out. I isolated and alienated you. I did _this_ to you. My pain, Trevor, my pain does not surpass yours. They were yours as much as they were mine, and I've made it seem as if you're not hurting, as if you're feelings do not matter in this. Why? Because—"

"You were _carrying_ our child, Noa. You knew they existed before I did. That bond a mother has with their child will always be superior to that of a father's," he said with a tremble.

"But it doesn't make it right for me to… _preclude_ your feelings," I sighed, flattening my hands against his chest. "That's unfair."

He grabbed at my hands, bringing them down with his, and turning to face me. His eyes were bloodshot, glossy from no doubt all the crying, and I realized, this had been the first time throughout the entire day I'd been able to look at him, _really_ look at him. He was hurting, he was hurting and in my own pain I'd been blinded to his emotions.

"Seeing you hurting, _knowing_ you're hurting hurts me a greater deal than anything else in this world, Noa," he fought with his emotions, set on not letting them show. "I just want to be here for you."

"You can't be here for me if you yourself are numb to your emotions, Langan," I said, bringing my hand up to cup his cheek. "You're not any less of a man or any less of an amazing husband if you show me _how_ you're truly feeling."

He closed his eyes, letting his tears drop, "You're the one that _needs_ me."

I stood on my toes, speaking softly against his lips, "I think we both need each other in more ways than we give credit for."

He sighed, his lips giving a slight tremble when he pushed forward against my lips. It was a slow and delicate fall. A reassurance, a promise that if we were both hurting we would find the necessary comfort in each other, that we wouldn't run from our emotions, and that we were allowing the other to feel and express whatever they needed to without the fear of either of us shutting down or claiming this was too much. Because, in the end, it would _forever_ be too much. It would be too much to think about, too much to put in words, too much to remember, too much to tiptoe around… no matter what; it would _always_ remain being _too much_. And, what kind of marriage would it be if we weren't able to voice and express something so… burdensome as a miscarriage?

"I love you," he sighed against my lips.

"I love you, too," I responded with a smile.

"We'll get through this, baby. I'll always be here for you and I know you're there for me, too. We'll see better days, Noa. I promise," he said with conviction, resting his forehead against mines.


End file.
